Just taking a moment to write down my thoughts. Probably only interesting if you have been through fertility treatments or know someone who has. I have felt horrible the last four days. It started with a morning of staying home from work throwing up with agonizing stomach pains. Though maybe it was a stomach bug at the time but became evident it was just my crazy hormone surge because my cycle started the next morning. We completed our first fertility treatment cycle on Dec. 3 and obviously I wasn't pregnant so I wanted to wait and see if my cycle would start on its own. It didn't so I had to take very strong hormones to get it to start because it was already Day 50 (opposed to Day 28 when it should start.) For me it isn't unlikely to have a 70 day cycle-hence the inability to get pregnant spontaneously when I only ovulate every three to four months. Anyway, so I have been bleeding more than I ever have and cramping like crazy. At points it is painful to even stand up. I decided to write this for my fellow "infertility friends." I hope that this blog might help someone going through a similar struggle. I don't think it is easy to understand unless you've been in this battle yourself. Some others have also been interested in what exactly we go through for this process. I can't imagine in-vitro or something more major than just medicine treatments. I get sick enough just on these medications. It is physically and emotionally exhausting. I don't know if it is harder after losing, babies but I do feel more pressure for it to work. I see Josey getting older and want him to have a sibling close in age. Our kids would have been less than three years apart...now who knows. Maybe this month will work since the triplets were due this month. I think that would be kind of nice. As for all who think I am crazy, wish I would stop the medicine, or think "maybe it will happen if you relax" I say it is my choice. My chances of becoming pregnant before were very slim, and now after the trauma to my cervix even less. I need a baby. It is all my heart desires, although it is horrifying at the same time.
The triplets' due date is this Friday and I guess I've been thinking about it a lot. I have started having nightmares again and replaying the events in my mind all day. Hoping that I will have some closure after January 14th. The day I had so very much looked forward to.
Well that's my little pity party for today. Now I think I will try to get out my new sewing machine and figure out how to use it. I went to Hobby Lobby and got some cute fabric to attempt making Josey pajamas. I would love to make things for boys since it is so hard to find cute toddler boy stuff anywhere!
Sunday, January 9, 2011
Saturday, January 1, 2011
Looking back at 2010 and forward to 2011...
It was very hard to read what I wrote on New Year's Eve last year. I wished for a sibling for Josey, more financial security, and Mike to continue to have fun with his band. Little did I know that we would be desperately close to all those things, but in the end lose them all.
2010 began just fine until May 1st. Mike left for work that morning and returned just a few short minutes later. We never saw a dime of unemployment because they blamed him for getting fired. Don't ask me what circumstances unemployment is for because I don't know. He did nothing wrong, they simply were done having him around and paying his high salary I guess. So there went financial security...and for five long months, no income at all. We found out 5 days after he was fired that we were pregnant. We had been through rounds of fertility and were EXTREMELY excited. Two months later we find out it was TRIPLETS! Another huge excitement, but with worry as well. Then only 3 weeks later, the morning that will haunt us forever. I lost Johnny and then 2 weeks later lost Jaxsen and Asher. I've already written endlessly about the loss but it was the biggest part of our 2010. Looking back it doesn't even seem real most of the time. Seems like it happened to someone else...because things like that WOULD NEVER happen to me. Mike worked random jobs off and on and hunted endlessly for something steady. Finally in September he found a low-paying job, but a job! We are still struggling financially. Maybe struggling is an understatement.
Looking ahead to 2011, I still want the same things as last year. I hope to look back and read this next year as I hold a little baby in my arms. Yes, I do still want that, and no pain, suffering, or sacrifice will change my mind. I am still praying for a classroom job next year, but no matter what, I am doing what God intended me to do. I will continue to teach children and care for them in any position I am placed. I hope that Mike finds true friends to play music with that will stand by him and appreciate the amazing man that he is. Maybe he will find a better paying job, maybe not. I simply wish for his pain to fade. Most importantly I hope that next year finds us stronger than ever in our love for eachother. We have been through more in this one year than all 8 years of our marriage put together. I hope we continue to provide a stable, loving, life for Josey. He is our world, and remains our focus through it all. I wish the best for all our family and friends who carried us this year when we couldn't walk on our own. My personal goal is to mold myself into the old Allison that was not angry, sad, and confused all the time. I struggle daily with wanting the memories to fade, and wanting to never forget the way my sons felt in my arms, or what their beautiful faces looked like. I simply want to be more "normal" again. I will embrace God's plan for my life...whatever that may be.
2010 began just fine until May 1st. Mike left for work that morning and returned just a few short minutes later. We never saw a dime of unemployment because they blamed him for getting fired. Don't ask me what circumstances unemployment is for because I don't know. He did nothing wrong, they simply were done having him around and paying his high salary I guess. So there went financial security...and for five long months, no income at all. We found out 5 days after he was fired that we were pregnant. We had been through rounds of fertility and were EXTREMELY excited. Two months later we find out it was TRIPLETS! Another huge excitement, but with worry as well. Then only 3 weeks later, the morning that will haunt us forever. I lost Johnny and then 2 weeks later lost Jaxsen and Asher. I've already written endlessly about the loss but it was the biggest part of our 2010. Looking back it doesn't even seem real most of the time. Seems like it happened to someone else...because things like that WOULD NEVER happen to me. Mike worked random jobs off and on and hunted endlessly for something steady. Finally in September he found a low-paying job, but a job! We are still struggling financially. Maybe struggling is an understatement.
Looking ahead to 2011, I still want the same things as last year. I hope to look back and read this next year as I hold a little baby in my arms. Yes, I do still want that, and no pain, suffering, or sacrifice will change my mind. I am still praying for a classroom job next year, but no matter what, I am doing what God intended me to do. I will continue to teach children and care for them in any position I am placed. I hope that Mike finds true friends to play music with that will stand by him and appreciate the amazing man that he is. Maybe he will find a better paying job, maybe not. I simply wish for his pain to fade. Most importantly I hope that next year finds us stronger than ever in our love for eachother. We have been through more in this one year than all 8 years of our marriage put together. I hope we continue to provide a stable, loving, life for Josey. He is our world, and remains our focus through it all. I wish the best for all our family and friends who carried us this year when we couldn't walk on our own. My personal goal is to mold myself into the old Allison that was not angry, sad, and confused all the time. I struggle daily with wanting the memories to fade, and wanting to never forget the way my sons felt in my arms, or what their beautiful faces looked like. I simply want to be more "normal" again. I will embrace God's plan for my life...whatever that may be.
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Christmas is coming...
Just thought I would take a minute to update. We are getting ready for Christmas, one of my most favorite times of the year. We made candy, twice actually. Once with Mike's family and once with mine. I always love that. We haven't been able to buy many gifts but at least one thing for each family member. We aren't really buying eachother anything, just want to make sure Josey gets some fun things. I know finances will get better eventually so I'm trying not to get too stressed about it.
It has been 5 months since we lost Johnny and Christmas time is still just going to be hard. I keep thinking about how I was suppose to have three little babies right now (assuming they would have been born early since they were multiples.) It's definitely not how I pictured Christmas would be back in July. January 5th will be 5 months since Jaxsen and Asher went to Heaven. Just doesn't seem like it's been that long. Just trying to make the season fun for Josey and count our blessings.
Jan. 14th, our due date, is quickly approaching. We've been bouncing around ideas to honor the babies that day but really they already had their birthdays. It is just going to be a hard day. Thinking of taking off work incase I'm really emotional, but maybe staying busy would be better...
We hope everyone who has blessed us this year are blessed themselves with family and fun this Christmas. We owe getting through this year to so many people!
It has been 5 months since we lost Johnny and Christmas time is still just going to be hard. I keep thinking about how I was suppose to have three little babies right now (assuming they would have been born early since they were multiples.) It's definitely not how I pictured Christmas would be back in July. January 5th will be 5 months since Jaxsen and Asher went to Heaven. Just doesn't seem like it's been that long. Just trying to make the season fun for Josey and count our blessings.
Jan. 14th, our due date, is quickly approaching. We've been bouncing around ideas to honor the babies that day but really they already had their birthdays. It is just going to be a hard day. Thinking of taking off work incase I'm really emotional, but maybe staying busy would be better...
We hope everyone who has blessed us this year are blessed themselves with family and fun this Christmas. We owe getting through this year to so many people!
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Hmm...
I was driving home this afternoon and a Rascal Flatts song came on the radio. (Yes I need to stop listening to country) It made my mind "go there" and I started getting sad thinking about my boys while I was listening to it. I hadn't said anyting outloud or started crying or anything. It was so weird because all of a sudden Josey said "Mommy!" I asked him what he wanted, and he said "Baby Jaxsen in Heaven." Then he went on about Asher and that the babies were "little" babies, etc. He said "In Heaven with God, Mommy, my brothers and Johnny baby too." The timing was just so odd. We never say anything about the babies in front of him. I have only said their names to him like twice ever. I wonder why he was thinking about them at that moment? The exact same moment I was replaying everything in my head. Just one of those moments that makes you go...hmm? By the way I'm pretty sure my little guy is a genius. I don't know many two-year-olds that can carry on such a long conversation. He is learning so much every day :)
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
I am exhausted lately! Josey has been giving us a run for our money. It is so hard to discipline him because half the time he is so cute that you can't even be mad. He decided to become all the way potty-trained. Of course he is young so there are accidents from time to time but I no longer have to do load after load of laundry every day! I am very excited not to have to worry about taking a diaperbag everywhere!!
Halloween was great. He was the cutest puppy dog ever!! We trick-or-treated at several different events that week. Josey really enjoyed it. It was so fun now that he is old enough to say "trick-or-treat!" He was absolutely adorable running through the neighborhood trick-or-treating with his cousins.
We are starting the adventure into having another baby. I started a medication that I have to be on to build up in my system before we can use clomid. Unfortunately, it makes me violently sick. Thankfully though I feeling better after a few weeks. I am trying not to put too much pressure on myself but that is hard to do. Sometimes I think about making baby things from the patterns I bought, how I will decorate the nursery, etc. I did finally put away the baby clothes for the boys. The crib is still up in our room...not sure if we will put it away or move it to the other room but it really doesn't seem to bother me. It still has the bear sitting in it that Mike's mom bought and wrote Johnny's initials on the ribbon. I have been doing ok, but for some reason yesterday I was really weepy all day. I started crying when we went to bed last night. Luckily Mike was there to talk me down like always. I thought that really helped but then today I was walking down the hallway at school and I heard a little boy crying in one of the rooms. Don't know why, but when I got to the restroom I just busted out crying. I am thinking it may be the medication and still raging hormones...sigh. I know that so many people (family and friends) are worried about us taking another adventure into expanding our family and I don't think I can ever make everyone understand. Unless you've been through trying and trying with no luck, and doctors telling you that the chances of conceiving on your own are slim to none, and devastating disappointments, I don't know that it is possible to understand. I don't think it is anyone's choice but ours to make. Every person has to make the choice that is right for their family. No one should judge anyone for using medication, or other methods, because you just don't know what another person has been through or how they feel. I respect everyone's opinions, but bluntly...it is our choice.
Looking forward to the holidays. I have trouble because I would have been 31 weeks this week and most likely would have delivered triplets sometime soon. Dec. 7 was the day we set for a goal to be home with the babies. Mike's mom even set a timer in her phone for that day, we were all so optimistic. January 14 will be awful, as that was our due date. We just HAVE to focus on our beautiful son and wonderful family during my favorite season of the year. Can't wait for Thanksgiving and of course Black Friday Christmas shopping!!
Halloween was great. He was the cutest puppy dog ever!! We trick-or-treated at several different events that week. Josey really enjoyed it. It was so fun now that he is old enough to say "trick-or-treat!" He was absolutely adorable running through the neighborhood trick-or-treating with his cousins.
We are starting the adventure into having another baby. I started a medication that I have to be on to build up in my system before we can use clomid. Unfortunately, it makes me violently sick. Thankfully though I feeling better after a few weeks. I am trying not to put too much pressure on myself but that is hard to do. Sometimes I think about making baby things from the patterns I bought, how I will decorate the nursery, etc. I did finally put away the baby clothes for the boys. The crib is still up in our room...not sure if we will put it away or move it to the other room but it really doesn't seem to bother me. It still has the bear sitting in it that Mike's mom bought and wrote Johnny's initials on the ribbon. I have been doing ok, but for some reason yesterday I was really weepy all day. I started crying when we went to bed last night. Luckily Mike was there to talk me down like always. I thought that really helped but then today I was walking down the hallway at school and I heard a little boy crying in one of the rooms. Don't know why, but when I got to the restroom I just busted out crying. I am thinking it may be the medication and still raging hormones...sigh. I know that so many people (family and friends) are worried about us taking another adventure into expanding our family and I don't think I can ever make everyone understand. Unless you've been through trying and trying with no luck, and doctors telling you that the chances of conceiving on your own are slim to none, and devastating disappointments, I don't know that it is possible to understand. I don't think it is anyone's choice but ours to make. Every person has to make the choice that is right for their family. No one should judge anyone for using medication, or other methods, because you just don't know what another person has been through or how they feel. I respect everyone's opinions, but bluntly...it is our choice.
Looking forward to the holidays. I have trouble because I would have been 31 weeks this week and most likely would have delivered triplets sometime soon. Dec. 7 was the day we set for a goal to be home with the babies. Mike's mom even set a timer in her phone for that day, we were all so optimistic. January 14 will be awful, as that was our due date. We just HAVE to focus on our beautiful son and wonderful family during my favorite season of the year. Can't wait for Thanksgiving and of course Black Friday Christmas shopping!!
Thursday, October 14, 2010
October 2010
Not much to update on. Mike is still liking his job, and he got his first paycheck in FOREVER!! We are not out of the woods financially but at least we can pay a few bills. Our house will be up for foreclosure in a few weeks if we can't get something figured out. We have applied for a modification and it should go through. It would lower our interest rate, and payment, and possibly help us with late fees and past due payments. Need prayers for that!! We will NOT lose our house after everything else that has happened!! I am happy at my job and love the kiddos I work with. Still hoping for a classroom job next year, but I love what I do. I am ok most days, sometimes my thoughts drift off to unpleasant memories but that is happening somewhat less often. I am off all of the anxiety medicine now, so we will see how that works out. I have started taking some medicine to help with fertility, as we will be able to try again in a few months. Unfortunately, it makes me really sick. I threw up several days last week. Not just throwing up, but the worst nausea/stomach pains you can imagine. I feel better this week and have been through this twice before so I know it's just part of the way my body handles it, and unfortunately part of us trying to conceive. We are just praying about it, and hoping God will bless us again with a pregnancy and a healthy baby. I did some organizing around the house but still haven't moved the crib or put away the babies' things yet. Probably soon, since now that I am trying to be "normal" those things are more of a painful reminder and a trigger for my mind to "go there" again. We still have the memory boxes sitting on the mantle above the fireplace. Our tv is mounted above the fireplace so sometimes when I watch tv my eyes will focus on them, and there go the waterworks. I did put away the ultrasound pictures (the only ones we have) off the refrigerator, inside Jaxsen's memory box. When I had them down Josey looked at their pictures for the first time. I think it was ok because he won't remember. I need to hear him say their names and talk about his baby brothers. It is crazy, but it helps. I know he won't see the pictures again until he is much older. The next day he was eating and told me "baby brothers in Heaven, Mommy." If only I could put it so simply and matter of fact in my mind. I know they are, and it gives me much comfort, but it is so painful to say.
Josey...hmm what to say. He is a 2 1/2 year old boy! He is stubborn, sweet, crazy, demanding, and loving. He is my little sour patch kid. (If you have seen the commercials this makes sense.) First he's sour....then he's sweet! He melts my heart everytime he tells me "Mommy, love you much!" He also tells us that he missed us when we get home, this makes you never wanna leave again. He is so smart, constantly amazing me with what he knows and talks about. Hopefully, we are on the uphill part of life for a while. We are really enjoying focusing on the future and the simple things we are starting to enjoy again. Thanks to all who continue to support us. It makes me feel better when people ask how I'm doing, sometimes I DO need to talk about the babies or the bad stuff that has happened, and how I'm working through it. I know it is uncomfortable for some to hear about the loss because they don't know what to say, so I try not to say much. But I dont' want to always censor what I'm feeling or act like it didn't happen.
Looking forward to more Hog football watch parties and our Hallween party coming up! I love fall weather and activities! Can't wait to take J to pick out pumpkins!!
Josey...hmm what to say. He is a 2 1/2 year old boy! He is stubborn, sweet, crazy, demanding, and loving. He is my little sour patch kid. (If you have seen the commercials this makes sense.) First he's sour....then he's sweet! He melts my heart everytime he tells me "Mommy, love you much!" He also tells us that he missed us when we get home, this makes you never wanna leave again. He is so smart, constantly amazing me with what he knows and talks about. Hopefully, we are on the uphill part of life for a while. We are really enjoying focusing on the future and the simple things we are starting to enjoy again. Thanks to all who continue to support us. It makes me feel better when people ask how I'm doing, sometimes I DO need to talk about the babies or the bad stuff that has happened, and how I'm working through it. I know it is uncomfortable for some to hear about the loss because they don't know what to say, so I try not to say much. But I dont' want to always censor what I'm feeling or act like it didn't happen.
Looking forward to more Hog football watch parties and our Hallween party coming up! I love fall weather and activities! Can't wait to take J to pick out pumpkins!!
Saturday, September 25, 2010
Update
Mike started a job this week. Today he told me that he is pretty happy there so far. It is at an auto parts supplier in Tontitown. Great hours and Saturdays only when overtime is needed. Don't think he is loving getting up at 6am but it is nice for him to have closer to the same schedule as me now. Lots more family time than at his previous job. I have to take Josey to Mom and Dad's now in the mornings which is a lot of work and getting around earlier for me. I was lucky that Mike has always taken him up until now. Josey is pretty reluctant to leave me but if Mom comes outside to get him, he is fine and waves goodbye to me. It is super hard to leave him, I guess even moreso since everything that has happened. Sometimes I just hold him as he's falling asleep and stare at him. I love that little guy so much!
I am doing ok. Most days. I have times when my thoughts just run wild and I replay events over and over. On Friday I had an evening of panic attacks and just an uneasy feeling. Hopefully those will get fewer and farther between. I did see the Dr. for my 6 week checkup. Can't believe it's been 6 weeks already. I got a great report, seem to be healed properly. We will be able to try again in a few months if we are ready. I want a baby more than anything, but with us it is so hard to conceive and now it will be even more difficult. We have to make sure we are mentally strong enough to go through trying, negative tests, the pregnancy worries, and ups and downs first. For me that depends on the day. I keep saying I want to be pregnant...but not just pregnant. 15 weeks pregnant with 3 little boys. I haven't had the heart or energy to take the crib down yet, but I think it's time. Planning on putting it in the guest room and going ahead and doing some of the rearranging I had planned on doing. Like moving the changing table (that hasn't been used in months) out of J's room and into the guest room. Feeling like rearranging somethings might feel like a fresh start. Don't know how I am going to touch the baby clothes and blankets bought and made for the babies but somehow I will. Just praying for God to give us peace and guidance for upcoming decisions in many aspects of our lives.
I am doing ok. Most days. I have times when my thoughts just run wild and I replay events over and over. On Friday I had an evening of panic attacks and just an uneasy feeling. Hopefully those will get fewer and farther between. I did see the Dr. for my 6 week checkup. Can't believe it's been 6 weeks already. I got a great report, seem to be healed properly. We will be able to try again in a few months if we are ready. I want a baby more than anything, but with us it is so hard to conceive and now it will be even more difficult. We have to make sure we are mentally strong enough to go through trying, negative tests, the pregnancy worries, and ups and downs first. For me that depends on the day. I keep saying I want to be pregnant...but not just pregnant. 15 weeks pregnant with 3 little boys. I haven't had the heart or energy to take the crib down yet, but I think it's time. Planning on putting it in the guest room and going ahead and doing some of the rearranging I had planned on doing. Like moving the changing table (that hasn't been used in months) out of J's room and into the guest room. Feeling like rearranging somethings might feel like a fresh start. Don't know how I am going to touch the baby clothes and blankets bought and made for the babies but somehow I will. Just praying for God to give us peace and guidance for upcoming decisions in many aspects of our lives.
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