October 2010

Not much to update on. Mike is still liking his job, and he got his first paycheck in FOREVER!! We are not out of the woods financially but at least we can pay a few bills. Our house will be up for foreclosure in a few weeks if we can't get something figured out. We have applied for a modification and it should go through. It would lower our interest rate, and payment, and possibly help us with late fees and past due payments. Need prayers for that!! We will NOT lose our house after everything else that has happened!! I am happy at my job and love the kiddos I work with. Still hoping for a classroom job next year, but I love what I do. I am ok most days, sometimes my thoughts drift off to unpleasant memories but that is happening somewhat less often. I am off all of the anxiety medicine now, so we will see how that works out. I have started taking some medicine to help with fertility, as we will be able to try again in a few months. Unfortunately, it makes me really sick. I threw up several days last week. Not just throwing up, but the worst nausea/stomach pains you can imagine. I feel better this week and have been through this twice before so I know it's just part of the way my body handles it, and unfortunately part of us trying to conceive. We are just praying about it, and hoping God will bless us again with a pregnancy and a healthy baby. I did some organizing around the house but still haven't moved the crib or put away the babies' things yet. Probably soon, since now that I am trying to be "normal" those things are more of a painful reminder and a trigger for my mind to "go there" again. We still have the memory boxes sitting on the mantle above the fireplace. Our tv is mounted above the fireplace so sometimes when I watch tv my eyes will focus on them, and there go the waterworks. I did put away the ultrasound pictures (the only ones we have) off the refrigerator, inside Jaxsen's memory box. When I had them down Josey looked at their pictures for the first time. I think it was ok because he won't remember. I need to hear him say their names and talk about his baby brothers. It is crazy, but it helps. I know he won't see the pictures again until he is much older. The next day he was eating and told me "baby brothers in Heaven, Mommy." If only I could put it so simply and matter of fact in my mind. I know they are, and it gives me much comfort, but it is so painful to say.
Josey...hmm what to say. He is a 2 1/2 year old boy! He is stubborn, sweet, crazy, demanding, and loving. He is my little sour patch kid. (If you have seen the commercials this makes sense.) First he's sour....then he's sweet! He melts my heart everytime he tells me "Mommy, love you much!" He also tells us that he missed us when we get home, this makes you never wanna leave again. He is so smart, constantly amazing me with what he knows and talks about. Hopefully, we are on the uphill part of life for a while. We are really enjoying focusing on the future and the simple things we are starting to enjoy again. Thanks to all who continue to support us. It makes me feel better when people ask how I'm doing, sometimes I DO need to talk about the babies or the bad stuff that has happened, and how I'm working through it. I know it is uncomfortable for some to hear about the loss because they don't know what to say, so I try not to say much. But I dont' want to always censor what I'm feeling or act like it didn't happen.
Looking forward to more Hog football watch parties and our Hallween party coming up! I love fall weather and activities! Can't wait to take J to pick out pumpkins!!