Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Christmas is coming...

Just thought I would take a minute to update. We are getting ready for Christmas, one of my most favorite times of the year. We made candy, twice actually. Once with Mike's family and once with mine. I always love that. We haven't been able to buy many gifts but at least one thing for each family member. We aren't really buying eachother anything, just want to make sure Josey gets some fun things. I know finances will get better eventually so I'm trying not to get too stressed about it.
It has been 5 months since we lost Johnny and Christmas time is still just going to be hard. I keep thinking about how I was suppose to have three little babies right now (assuming they would have been born early since they were multiples.) It's definitely not how I pictured Christmas would be back in July. January 5th will be 5 months since Jaxsen and Asher went to Heaven. Just doesn't seem like it's been that long. Just trying to make the season fun for Josey and count our blessings.
Jan. 14th, our due date, is quickly approaching. We've been bouncing around ideas to honor the babies that day but really they already had their birthdays. It is just going to be a hard day. Thinking of taking off work incase I'm really emotional, but maybe staying busy would be better...
We hope everyone who has blessed us this year are blessed themselves with family and fun this Christmas. We owe getting through this year to so many people!

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Hmm...

I was driving home this afternoon and a Rascal Flatts song came on the radio. (Yes I need to stop listening to country) It made my mind "go there" and I started getting sad thinking about my boys while I was listening to it. I hadn't said anyting outloud or started crying or anything. It was so weird because all of a sudden Josey said "Mommy!" I asked him what he wanted, and he said "Baby Jaxsen in Heaven." Then he went on about Asher and that the babies were "little" babies, etc. He said "In Heaven with God, Mommy, my brothers and Johnny baby too." The timing was just so odd. We never say anything about the babies in front of him. I have only said their names to him like twice ever. I wonder why he was thinking about them at that moment? The exact same moment I was replaying everything in my head. Just one of those moments that makes you go...hmm? By the way I'm pretty sure my little guy is a genius. I don't know many two-year-olds that can carry on such a long conversation. He is learning so much every day :)

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

I am exhausted lately! Josey has been giving us a run for our money. It is so hard to discipline him because half the time he is so cute that you can't even be mad. He decided to become all the way potty-trained. Of course he is young so there are accidents from time to time but I no longer have to do load after load of laundry every day! I am very excited not to have to worry about taking a diaperbag everywhere!!
Halloween was great. He was the cutest puppy dog ever!! We trick-or-treated at several different events that week. Josey really enjoyed it. It was so fun now that he is old enough to say "trick-or-treat!" He was absolutely adorable running through the neighborhood trick-or-treating with his cousins.
We are starting the adventure into having another baby. I started a medication that I have to be on to build up in my system before we can use clomid. Unfortunately, it makes me violently sick. Thankfully though I feeling better after a few weeks. I am trying not to put too much pressure on myself but that is hard to do. Sometimes I think about making baby things from the patterns I bought, how I will decorate the nursery, etc. I did finally put away the baby clothes for the boys. The crib is still up in our room...not sure if we will put it away or move it to the other room but it really doesn't seem to bother me. It still has the bear sitting in it that Mike's mom bought and wrote Johnny's initials on the ribbon. I have been doing ok, but for some reason yesterday I was really weepy all day. I started crying when we went to bed last night. Luckily Mike was there to talk me down like always. I thought that really helped but then today I was walking down the hallway at school and I heard a little boy crying in one of the rooms. Don't know why, but when I got to the restroom I just busted out crying. I am thinking it may be the medication and still raging hormones...sigh. I know that so many people (family and friends) are worried about us taking another adventure into expanding our family and I don't think I can ever make everyone understand. Unless you've been through trying and trying with no luck, and doctors telling you that the chances of conceiving on your own are slim to none, and devastating disappointments, I don't know that it is possible to understand. I don't think it is anyone's choice but ours to make. Every person has to make the choice that is right for their family. No one should judge anyone for using medication, or other methods, because you just don't know what another person has been through or how they feel. I respect everyone's opinions, but bluntly...it is our choice.
Looking forward to the holidays. I have trouble because I would have been 31 weeks this week and most likely would have delivered triplets sometime soon. Dec. 7 was the day we set for a goal to be home with the babies. Mike's mom even set a timer in her phone for that day, we were all so optimistic. January 14 will be awful, as that was our due date. We just HAVE to focus on our beautiful son and wonderful family during my favorite season of the year. Can't wait for Thanksgiving and of course Black Friday Christmas shopping!!

Thursday, October 14, 2010

October 2010

Not much to update on. Mike is still liking his job, and he got his first paycheck in FOREVER!! We are not out of the woods financially but at least we can pay a few bills. Our house will be up for foreclosure in a few weeks if we can't get something figured out. We have applied for a modification and it should go through. It would lower our interest rate, and payment, and possibly help us with late fees and past due payments. Need prayers for that!! We will NOT lose our house after everything else that has happened!! I am happy at my job and love the kiddos I work with. Still hoping for a classroom job next year, but I love what I do. I am ok most days, sometimes my thoughts drift off to unpleasant memories but that is happening somewhat less often. I am off all of the anxiety medicine now, so we will see how that works out. I have started taking some medicine to help with fertility, as we will be able to try again in a few months. Unfortunately, it makes me really sick. I threw up several days last week. Not just throwing up, but the worst nausea/stomach pains you can imagine. I feel better this week and have been through this twice before so I know it's just part of the way my body handles it, and unfortunately part of us trying to conceive. We are just praying about it, and hoping God will bless us again with a pregnancy and a healthy baby. I did some organizing around the house but still haven't moved the crib or put away the babies' things yet. Probably soon, since now that I am trying to be "normal" those things are more of a painful reminder and a trigger for my mind to "go there" again. We still have the memory boxes sitting on the mantle above the fireplace. Our tv is mounted above the fireplace so sometimes when I watch tv my eyes will focus on them, and there go the waterworks. I did put away the ultrasound pictures (the only ones we have) off the refrigerator, inside Jaxsen's memory box. When I had them down Josey looked at their pictures for the first time. I think it was ok because he won't remember. I need to hear him say their names and talk about his baby brothers. It is crazy, but it helps. I know he won't see the pictures again until he is much older. The next day he was eating and told me "baby brothers in Heaven, Mommy." If only I could put it so simply and matter of fact in my mind. I know they are, and it gives me much comfort, but it is so painful to say.
Josey...hmm what to say. He is a 2 1/2 year old boy! He is stubborn, sweet, crazy, demanding, and loving. He is my little sour patch kid. (If you have seen the commercials this makes sense.) First he's sour....then he's sweet! He melts my heart everytime he tells me "Mommy, love you much!" He also tells us that he missed us when we get home, this makes you never wanna leave again. He is so smart, constantly amazing me with what he knows and talks about. Hopefully, we are on the uphill part of life for a while. We are really enjoying focusing on the future and the simple things we are starting to enjoy again. Thanks to all who continue to support us. It makes me feel better when people ask how I'm doing, sometimes I DO need to talk about the babies or the bad stuff that has happened, and how I'm working through it. I know it is uncomfortable for some to hear about the loss because they don't know what to say, so I try not to say much. But I dont' want to always censor what I'm feeling or act like it didn't happen.
Looking forward to more Hog football watch parties and our Hallween party coming up! I love fall weather and activities! Can't wait to take J to pick out pumpkins!!

Saturday, September 25, 2010

Update

Mike started a job this week. Today he told me that he is pretty happy there so far. It is at an auto parts supplier in Tontitown. Great hours and Saturdays only when overtime is needed. Don't think he is loving getting up at 6am but it is nice for him to have closer to the same schedule as me now. Lots more family time than at his previous job. I have to take Josey to Mom and Dad's now in the mornings which is a lot of work and getting around earlier for me. I was lucky that Mike has always taken him up until now. Josey is pretty reluctant to leave me but if Mom comes outside to get him, he is fine and waves goodbye to me. It is super hard to leave him, I guess even moreso since everything that has happened. Sometimes I just hold him as he's falling asleep and stare at him. I love that little guy so much!
I am doing ok. Most days. I have times when my thoughts just run wild and I replay events over and over. On Friday I had an evening of panic attacks and just an uneasy feeling. Hopefully those will get fewer and farther between. I did see the Dr. for my 6 week checkup. Can't believe it's been 6 weeks already. I got a great report, seem to be healed properly. We will be able to try again in a few months if we are ready. I want a baby more than anything, but with us it is so hard to conceive and now it will be even more difficult. We have to make sure we are mentally strong enough to go through trying, negative tests, the pregnancy worries, and ups and downs first. For me that depends on the day. I keep saying I want to be pregnant...but not just pregnant. 15 weeks pregnant with 3 little boys. I haven't had the heart or energy to take the crib down yet, but I think it's time. Planning on putting it in the guest room and going ahead and doing some of the rearranging I had planned on doing. Like moving the changing table (that hasn't been used in months) out of J's room and into the guest room. Feeling like rearranging somethings might feel like a fresh start. Don't know how I am going to touch the baby clothes and blankets bought and made for the babies but somehow I will. Just praying for God to give us peace and guidance for upcoming decisions in many aspects of our lives.

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

And the roller coaster continues...

So Mike did not end up with the job. Yes, seriously!? They said he arrived a minute late and so he was not allowed to work there. I am in disbelief but if that's how they are, I say it wouldn't have been a good place to work. Yes he should have been there early but he got stuck in traffic. Am I wrong or does it seem like they just changed their mind, or had already found someone they liked better? He already resigned from the night factory job, so....he is jobless again. Unbelievable. At this point the situation is desperate. I did go back to work Monday to a job I love, but it does not even pay the mortgage let alone all the other bills. I had hoped to have a certified classroom job this year but with the timing of everything that happened that wasn't possible. I am holding on to the thought that next year I will get a spot easily since I am already working in the district. Guess we'll see. So if anyone has ANY ideas for Mike please pass them along. Or any ideas for a second job for me. I could work weekends and after school.

Sunday, August 29, 2010

Headed back to work...

I had my three week check-up on Thursday and everything is going well so far. I feel better everyday and am cutting down on the meds. It still gets uncomfortable to walk really far, and I get winded so easily. I'm sure it will take some time to get back to 100%. It was a nice visit with the Dr. He and I kinda went over everything and he reassured me that they did all they could. He said that none of us wanted this to happen but after losing Johnny, this was most likely where we would end up. Trying to keep the other two was just kind of uncharted territory. Boy can I tell you how much I hate being the "interesting case" that all the nurses and Drs. were amazed by. I fought back a few tears at the Drs office. It was hard seeing other expecting moms and hearing people scheduling their c-sections. I keep telling myself to be happy for other people because I don't know what they have been through to get their little miracle. When a couple came out excited after their ultrasound it was all I had not to cry thinking about the day we first saw three babies in there. Such a mix of emotions and fears that day, but a day I will cherish forever. I also thought of the day we saw three healthy babies only 18 hours before losing Johnny and our lives being thrown into an unstoppable nightmare. On a positive note though Dr. S said that he saw no reason why we wouldn't be able to try for more children. I will see him again in 3 weeks to make sure healing is going well. It is hard to think of trying again but of course we want more children. With my infertility issues it is just so hard to conceive. We tried over a year and a half with Josey and over a year with Johnny, Jaxsen, and Asher. I know some try much longer, but the endless medication and negative pregnancy tests are just so hard to go through. The Dr. recommends at least 6 months until we think about starting all this over again. Of course a part of me wants to be pregnant today. It is the hardest thing to wake up each morning and realize just a few weeks ago I was pregnant and now am not. I have left the maternity clothes I was just starting to need hanging in the closet. Mom bought me a few maternity clothes after losing the first baby, and I just can't put them away. It is very strange to fit into normal clothes. With any future pregnancies it will not be easy. I will have to have the cerclage, stitching of the cervix, again. With the damage, my cervix most likely will not be able to hold a baby in again. Just praying that it will be strong enough to get us to 12 weeks with a pregnancy so we can have to procedure. Guess we will just see what the next Dr. report is on Sept. 16 and go from there. Dr. S said lets get to 2011 and start over and have a great year. Surely we have some good fortune coming, right? I have to mention that it is so touching to have a Dr. that really cares and is really disappointed right along with us.
Well I go back to work tomorrow and Mike starts his new job. Praise God for him getting a day job with great hours, the overnight stuff wasn't gonna work! I hope to ease back into a routine...will be a little hard to be "normal" again after all that has happened since May 1st.

Saturday, August 14, 2010

Random thoughts...

Today has been hard for some reason. My energy is so low. My body has been through so much and the emotional stuff is just really starting to take a toll. I literally just lay around the house all day in between Josey's potty trips. I don't even feel like eating, reading a book, or even watching tv. I just lie here thinking about everything. It plays in my mind over and over. I just don't know how to make it stop. I worry about the financial stuff. I really need a certified job this year just to get us back on track, but it's hard when I don't know when I will be released by the doctor. I worry about going back to work and just breaking down and not being able to do it. I know I am suppose to teach. After losing the boys, I realized that I can touch children's lives who don't have a stable home environment. For several of my students I have been the one stable thing in their lives. The one person they can talk to and trust. I may have lost three boys but maybe I can impact the lives of many more.
Mike still hasn't found anything. He is trying hard but all of this just seems so unfair. I know he needed to be with me and I am happy he is not at his old job because he was stressed and exhausted all the time. Strange how things work out. If he hadn't been able to be by my side constantly I don't know what I would have done.
As we drove home from Walmart in Bentonville the other day I thought of 17 year old Mike and Allison. About our carefree existence and the love I felt for him then. One of those if we knew then what we know now moments. I knew I loved him then, and agreed to marry him three months after we began dating at only 18 years old. We married a year later. At 18 and 19 years old we knew we were suppose to be together. God knew what he was doing giving him to me. We have had our ups and downs in the last 8 years but nothing like the past year. When many men might have turned away or wanted out, mine held me closer and remains strong for me. We are so blessed to have Josey and eachother. I try to remain thankful for that and not pity myself too much. I am unhappy, hurt, and on the edge of losing it everyday, but I have to be strong. I know many people go through similar things and are able to go on but sometimes I don't think I can. I just don't feel strong enough. I know time will help to heal this hurt.

A line from one of my favorite songs sums up my feelings right now:
"Don't take much for this crazy world to rob me of my peace. And the enemy of my soul says you're holding out on me. So I stand here lifting empty hands, for You to fill me up again."

God please fill us up again, and give us the strength to carry on.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Update

I have promised to update with the blog for those who are concerned and want to be in the loop. It really does help to write it out. It is hard to return all the emails, text messages, and phone calls in a timely manner although all are greatly appreciated. I cherish each person's thoughts and kind words.
I am still in a considerable amount of pain when I overdo it. It is hard not to just fly back into full Mommy mode since I haven't been able to take care of Josey in such a long time. I have to listen to my body more I guess. I have an infection in my blood that we are hoping will go away with oral antibiotics to prevent going back into the hospital for IV meds. I had to get a blood transfusion because of the blood loss during the delivery of the boys and the following surgery. Trying to build up my blood count and beat this infection is draining. We go back to the Dr. soon to check things out and hopefully no problems before them. I am NOT going back to the hospital. I never knew how horrible it would feel to be stuck there waiting for the Dr's report everyday just to hear you have to stay another day.
Mike and I are just taking it one day at a time. I cannot describe how it felt last night to finally be home and just lay in our bed with Mike's arms around me. I felt the most peaceful that I have felt in weeks. I woke up several times during the night and just looked at the baby crib sitting in our room. We had already moved it in there after converting it back to a crib when Josey got his twin size bed. We had not started fixing the office/guest room into a nursery yet. As I looked at the crib I could picture my three sweet boys sleeping together there. Knowing this will never happen just seems cruel. I know they are together again and in Heaven but sometimes this is just not enough comfort. I think tonight I will look at the photos of them again just to see their beautiful faces. I hate that we did not get pictures of Johnny but he looked so very much like Jaxsen. I try so hard to picture every detail of Johnny from that day I held him. I don't want the memory to ever fade of the time I held each baby. I hope to grow stronger everyday without forgetting.

Sunday, August 8, 2010

Jaxsen Troby Smith and Asher Jo Smith

I absolutely cannot believe I am writing about another loss. I am so hurt, confused, and devastated. Our third and fourth born sons were born on August 5th, 2010. Jaxsen Troby at around 7ish and Asher Jo somewhere around 8-8:30.
I woke up August 4th at 5 am with cramping. Throughout the day I called the Dr. and nurses several times as my contractions became closer together, about 3 minutes apart most of the day. Of course with the "nothing we can do" thing, they told me drink lots of water, absolutely flat with feet up, take tylenol to sleep. I told myself all day that the worst was not happening. At 1:30 in the morning I accepted that it was. Mike drove me to the hospital, both of us begging God for it to be something else. We waited in the ER room for pain medicine for over an hour and then proceded to lay there waiting for almost three hours to be moved to OB. My contractions were less than a minute apart for over two hours. The worst pain I have ever experienced in my life. My cervix had been sewn shut and was literally ripping open with the babies trying to come out. I have no idea why they did not get me to an OR sooner to remove the stitches in the cervix. Finally we got upstairs to OB and the Dr. on call realized I was in unbearable pain and decided to take me to an OR to take out the stitches. About that time Jaxsen decided he couldn't wait and he was born, nothing could stop him not even "unbreakable" stitches. I was in and out of awareness for a while but still in extreme pain. I was moved to the OR and our Dr. came in to do the surgery. The last thing I heard was, because the cervix ripped we may have to do a complete hysterectomy. Terrifying. I woke up not knowing what the outcome had been. Thank God they were able to deliver Asher and get everything out and save my fertility for now. I had gotten a major uterine infection, the worst that we had prayed would not happen. The babies had to come out. I tryed SO HARD for my babies. I have no idea why we were blessed with these three miracles just to have it all taken away. My heart is broken.
We were able to spend about an hour holding the babies after I recovered from surgery.
Jaxsen was beautiful, he looked a lot like Johnny. He was 5 oz. and 6 3/4 inches long. He had a perfect little face and adorable feet that looked like his Daddy's. He reminded me a lot of Josey too. His middle name is Troby to honor my Dad and our family name. There is nothing more important than my family to me. The hospital put them in little outfits and they were just precious wrapped in their little blankets. I will miss Jaxsen forever and a part of us will always be missing. We will cherish him in our hearts.
Asher was also amazingly beautiful. He had different features than our other boys. A slighly turned up nose (so cute), and long feet like his PawPaw. He was 4 oz and 6 1/4 inches long. We had just come across the name Asher and it means happy and blessed, so I knew it was perfect. His middle name is Jo because it is mike's mom and my sister Laura's middle name. The two people who we felt like we couldn't have made it through this without. Of course all of our family and friends have been amazing too. Asher will forever be loved an missed. Our fourth born son will always be in our hearts.
The hospital took pictures of the babies in their outfits and gave us memory boxes for the babies. They had the pictures inside along with the outfits, blankets, teddy bears they had put in their arms, and baby name bracelets. They were so kind and made one for Johnny although we do not have pictures or an outfit that he wore. Not sure why they didn't do that when he was born. We will cherish the boxes forever. When I look at them I feel like I am still holding the boys in my arms, and my body aches for them.
I am writing this still in the hospital. We are hoping the infection is gone and we will go home today or tomorrow, so far we've been here 4 days this time. I don't know why my two little boys held on for 16 more days than Johnny, but I will forever cherish that time with them. I don't know how I will go home, except for the fact that I have a sweet little boy waiting for his Mommy to come back. One day I will tell him about his three little brothers and how hard they fought to be with him. Mommy and Daddy love our little guys so much.

Saturday, July 31, 2010

Johnny Louis Smith

At 8:39 am on July 20, 2010 our son Johnny Louis Smith was born at home. As I write this it still doesn't seem real.
I woke up with some discomfort at 14 weeks 4 days along with our precious triplets. I called the doctor's office and waited for a call back. I delivered Johnny at home about 30 minutes later. We were transported by ambulance to the hospital. I cannot describe the emotions I felt as I rode in the ambulance thinking I was losing all of my babies. In the ER due to a nurse's confusion, I actually thought I lost two of them. Our Dr. met us there. He gently took care of me and the baby. He then did an ultrasound and found two heartbeats safe inside. After about an hour I was sent to an OB room to wait, not knowing if the others would be able to survive such a traumatic event. I was given lots of antibiotics and other medicine. Mike and I chose to hold our sweet little boy and spent about 30 minutes with him in my arms. So glad we chose to do that. He was perfect, yes at 14 and a half weeks...perfect. My first thought was that he had Josey's feet. We hadn't really decided on any names but Johnny just seemed right. Louis was my granfather's name so Mike thought it would be the best middle name. Letting go of him was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I know he is in Heaven and I know God had a bigger plan for our second born son.
I spent the next 48 hours worrying and waiting to see what would happen. The placenta did not deliver with Johnny and never did. We were unsure for almost a week as to whether the babies shared a placenta or had separate ones. The Dr. is fairly confident that they each have their own, which is the best case scenario. I had severe labor pains the second night and they sedated me to calm my body. I have never prayed as I did that night. Begging God to let me keep my babies. When I woke up, we still had two little miracles safe inside. I ended up having a procedure the following Tuesday (a week later) and surgery on Wednesday the 28th to help keep the babies inside. We had two ultrasounds a day to check on the babies and so far they seem unaffected. Very high in the uterus and strong heartbeats. I was in the hospital a total of 10 days. I am very happy to be home but we have a long road ahead. I am on complete bedrest indefinitely. Only able to get up to use the restroom and go to Dr. appointments. We go on Aug. 9th to see how things are going. I pray for the strength to mentally and physically come through this for my babies. My heart is broken, but I must be strong. I have good moments and bad, but I know God will guide me through this. We love you baby Johnny, and you will be loved and missed forever.

Monday, July 12, 2010

Busy times!

Well we've been potty training since Thursday and it is definitely time-consuming. He is doing great but of course not 100% there yet. Yesterday (day four) I took him out of the house for the first time, no accidents in the car and he even went potty in the regular toilet while we were out!! I am so proud of my big boy but sad all at the same time. I know we need to get him on a very set schedule before the babies come but it is hard since I'm off right now. He got a twin size bed and is adjusting to it. Although he did fall out last night, which he never did in his toddler bed but I think he got tangled in the sheet. We had been putting up a baby gate to keep him in his room but that has come down now. We want him to listen to us when we tell him it is time for bed, and avoid the occasional standing at the gate crying/talking to us to get up. Seems to be working well. Kinda worries me when all of a sudden he is standing at my bed saying "mommy wake, wake!" I have no idea what he's been doing. Today when I heard him say that he was using his tools to "fix" our bed. Nothing he can really get into and all the doors are locked, front door chained, but a Mom does worry with a creative little boy!
As for me, I am feeling well for the most part. Potty-training definitely is taking every bit of the little energy I have. I get tired so easily. I am not eating enough, but I just don't feel like eating...which I know I have to in order to grow three babies. Still losing weight but as long as the babies are growing we are ok. We are excited/nervous to go back to the Doctor next Monday to see the babies again. But then again I was nervous everytime we went with J until we heard the heartbeat, etc. It will be nice to have an ultrasound everytime but I think a little more anxiety will be there. They can't simply do the doppler to listen because we have to know who we are listening to. I am sure many things will be different than with Josey, so I feel clueless.
We are working on re-organizing Josey's room and converting the office into a THREE baby room. I have a huge walk-in closet so half is becoming the office/storage for my teaching things, etc. It is slow going because I have to take a break every 10 minutes. Mike started his part-time job today and hopefully will start his full-time job this week. Details coming on that one soon. We are ecstatic but it's overwhelming that we are so far behind that it feels like he need four jobs to catch up. I am praying it works out but will not be easy. Not knowing how long I will be able to work is a big worry for me. I have always worked. I feel kinda helpless but I know, as my family reminds me daily, that my job is to grow three healthy babies. I have been listing things we will need to try and get an idea. So many have been so kind to offer their baby things. I'm sure soon we will be taking everyone up on the offers as we get a little further along. I have now decided we are going to need two more baby carriers with the base for the car. I had thought maybe we could just go with 5lb. and up carseats but the babies just might be too small. The more I thought about it, I decided it seemed crazy not to put them in carriers. So if anyone has a gently used carrier with base please let me know. We are so lucky to have such great friends and family that have been so supportive. We will update after Doctor appt. next week!

Sunday, June 27, 2010

Three?!

I'm sure most of you have had a moment when your life took an unexpected turn and was changed in an instant. Mike and I have had many such moments lately but none more than the news we received on Wednesday, June 23, 2010. We had an appointment to have our first ultrasound to make sure the pregnacy was going well. I was nervous, since we had prayed for a baby for so long, that everything would be okay. Mike and I left early and did a little job hunting. I was dropping off resumes at schools in my hunt for a certified job for next year. He is still looking anywhere and everywhere. We ate a quick lunch then headed for Lifespring Women's. Which by the way I absolutely love! Dr. Schmitz took us into the ultrasound room and as soon as the image came up on the big flat-screen tv, I knew I saw THREE babies in there. It was such a strange thing since our families had been non-stop teasing us that we were having twins, and yes a few had joked triplets. As I tried to speak, nothing came out. Finally, I said "is there more than one?" Dr. S had a stern look on his face and nodded, never taking his eyes off the screen. There was a moment of silence then I said "Is it three?" The Dr. looked up and said "Yes, It's TRIPLETS." He seemed just as stunned as we were. Of course the crying started at this point, I can not describe the thoughts and feelings I was flooded with at that moment. My mind was racing. I reached for Mike's hand and he just held on as we waited to see if we had three viable babies in there. It was the most scary few minutes of my life until Dr. S said they all had heartbeats and were measuring all about the same size. The next 15 minutes or so are a blurr, including the nurse coming in and comforting me as I cried, Dr. S telling us that we could do it but it would be hard, listing of medication I would need to be on, and a ton of questions asked and answered. It still seems surreal now four days later. Of course the financial concern is the largest. Mike has no job, and here was the Dr. telling us that I would be on bedrest most of the pregnancy and unable to work. Talk about putting the pressure on Mike. I have to mention that he was so strong that day, he knew just what to say to me. I am so blessed to have a wonderful man who loves his family above all else. We asked all grandparents and Laura and Travis to meet us at 5 at the house. I avoided all calls until then. Mike stood in the livingroom and told our amazing family, not an easy thing to do. They were so excited and supportive. I know with their love and support we CAN do this! I think that covers it in short story form. I will continue to update this to keep a record of this exciting time in our lives. Right now I am just taking it easy and beginning to plan some things out. I haven't felt that good in the last few days. I am determined I WILL do whatever it takes to get three healthy babies here. We will find a way to make all the details work out, I know it. Trusting in God, and relying on our friends and family. Please keep the prayers coming. I love these babies so much! We are due January 14th. Dr. Schmitz said ideally we would like to get to 34 weeks, so that would put them here the first of December with the babies staying a bit in the hospital. I am praying I will surprise him and carry them to the point of being able to bring them right home. Amazing that by the end of the year we will be a family of 6!

Monday, June 21, 2010

Best Daddy Ever!

We celebrated Father's Day yesterday and it really made me thankful for Mike. We've been having a rough go of it lately, but I am amazed with his strength. He is so wonderful with Josey. I think we have gotten really spoiled having Daddy around all the time. I know he will find a job and that has to happen, but we've really enjoyed the extra Daddy time! The way Josey cracks up when Mike does something funny, or the way he stares in awe when he's playing the guitar, just makes me fill with happiness. I know that Josey wants to be just like his Daddy. He loves listening to music or watching music videos with Daddy. Lately, he always wants one of us to dance in the livingroom with him. Love when he gets Daddy dancing with him! I know he will continue to be a great Daddy as we welcome another addition in January. Can't wait for the new baby to meet his/her wonderful Daddy!

Sunday, May 16, 2010

God is Good...

On May 7th it was time to take a pregnancy test at the end of the last treatment. I debated it most of the day and then stopped for a test on the way home from work. I had been praying so hard about it in the days leading up to it.
Mike lost his job of four years just a few days earlier and our life was turned upside down in an instant. I had no clue what we were going to do and felt pretty hopeless. One of the first conversations we had after he got the news was how we would not pursue more fertility treatments for a while, as this cycle was ending. Partly for the stress we have been under and partly for the financial aspect. I felt a peace about it, but was definitely heartbroken.
When I got home that afternoon, I didn't tell Mike I was going to take a test. As I waited for the results I prepared myself for another disappointment (I think I've taken around 10 tests or so in a little over a year.) I already had the peptalk ready for myself. Of course I was hopeful and praying like crazy. When I finally decided to look at the test, I was stunned to see a tiny, faint pink line in the test area. My heart racing, I came out to tell Mike I had a positive test, but I was still not getting my hopes up because I had a false positive a few months ago. I had to go to Alicia's orchestra concert that evening so I stopped for another test on the way. Of course as soon as I got in the car I had to call Laura and tell her what had happened. I made her vow secrecy!
The next morning Josey woke up crying at 4 am. Of course once I was awake, I had to take the test. So while Mike changed Josey's diaper and tried to put him back to bed I took the test. A definite POSITIVE! I cried and tried to get myself together enough to tell Mike. I went to Josey's room and Mike asked me not to get him up because he had been getting in our bed since he's been sick lately and we were trying not to make a habit of that. Of course I had to though. Mike went into the bathroom so I gave the test stick to Josey, yes it was clean. When Mike came out Josey gave him the stick and said "Baby." Although we couldn't help to laugh at the irony of timing, losing a job and finding out we were pregnant in the same week, we were overjoyed!! As the three of us crawled into bed together I felt amazingly blessed.
My sister Erin was getting pinned for nursing school that day and graduating from the UA on Saturday, so I didn't want to steal any attention from her great accomplishment. It worked out great because Sunday was Mother's Day. I framed a picture of Josey wearing a big brother shirt for both grandmas. They were both so happy. What a great Mother's Day!
I am now only five weeks along so it's a little scary, but we are staying positive. God has blessed us so much. Although Mike's work future is uncertain and the financial burden is great, I know that we will come through this together. I won't post this for a while I'm sure because I don't want my pregnancy to hurt my chances of getting a classroom job next year. I go to the doctor on the last day of school, June 8th, so I will probably let everyone know and post this blog once school is out. I had to write this so I would be able to remember how we felt and so our baby will one day be able to read how much love we had from the minute we knew we were pregnant. I am so excited for our growing family! As I sit here, I watch Josey dancing around the livingroom with his Daddy. I am so happy that Josey will have someone to grow up with and to share his life with. I know he will be a great big brother!! I love my babies.

Thursday, April 29, 2010

Josey Turning Two!

I absolutely have no clue where the last two years have gone. April 19, 2008 still seems so recent in my mind. Hands down, the best day of my life. Josey has brought so much joy into our lives. We are constantly amazed at how fast he is learning and growing up. He now goes into his room on his own accord to go to bed, of course not until after giving the sweetest kisses in the world to Mommy and Daddy. Just a few weeks ago he said "Wuv oooh" for the first time. Talk about melting hearts! He can count to 10 and is talking in three or four word phrases. It is so nice to actually know what he wants, well most of the time. Of course he does have his days of temper tantrums but overall is a very laid back, pleasant little man. He cracks us up at how organized he is, everything has to be just right. He loves to clean, take out the trash, and put dishes in the sink. Such a helper! He pretty much knows all the family members names now and it is so cute to hear him say them. He is stuck to PawPaw all day and has to do anything he is doing. Loves to play outside and "fix" things with PawPaw. He definitely loves his Nana too. We are so blessed that he gets to stay with them during the day. We recently added on to our deck and he was very involved. He pretty much sat by his Daddy or Grandpa, and helped hammer, and anything else they would let him do. He loves to play outside. Unfortunately, he is struggling with allergies lately but hopefully the Zyrtec and inhalers will help.
We are so blessed to have this little boy in our lives. I don't take that for granted for one minute. I have been really struggling lately wanting a brother or sister for him. I know it will happen in God's timing but it's hard not to be upset when "our plans" aren't quite working out. I just want him to have someone close in age to grow up with. We always planned on having children close together. We have been trying since right before Josey turned one, so it's been a long process. Some days I just want to stop all the medicine and try to forget it, but something just makes us want to keep going. I guess only someone who has been through months of not feeling well and constant mood swings on fertility medicine would understand what this roller coaster is like. Not sure what the future will hold as far as treatment. With Josey we were fortunate and only had to endure one month of actual treatment, after over a year of trying on our own. Just gonna try and stay positive and focus on the amazing little boy in our lives. Thank God for our sweet little Josey Alexander!!

Friday, April 2, 2010

What a week...

I am so ready for everyone in our family to get to feeling better! I think at least one of us has been sick everyday for about a month. Josey is feeling better after running a 103 fever with a throat infection. He has basically just moped around and cuddled all week. I am happy to see him playing again! Mike went to the doctor and has a sinus infection and bronchitis, which I had just three weeks ago. Hoping he feels better soon since he has had no voice for about three days. Mom has been sick this week and had gout in her foot which caused a lot of pain. Thanks to my awesome Dad for helping her watch Josey this week. He sure loves his PawPaw!!
I celebrated my 27th birthday on Wednesday. It was a great day. My family came over for dinner. Mike bought us a new flat-screen tv for the bedroom. We have been watching a tiny tv in there for four years. Laura got me some super cute Yellow Box flip-flops, love them! Erin got me the new Nicholas Sparks book, The Last Song. Haven't had time to start it yet, but hopefully this weekend. I always love it when my family can be together. Lots to do this month! Looking forward to Easter on Sunday and Josey's birthday in just three weeks!!

Saturday, March 20, 2010

Snowy Spring Day!

Today is the first day of Spring but here in Arkansas it's been snowing all afternoon! Very strange start to Spring Break. I think we are going to just rest a lot this break. Mike has to work, so I will just enjoy time with Josey at home. I hope to get a lot done around the house. Lots of cleaning and organizing. Hopefully, this weather will turn around so we can play at the park a few days at least!