It was very hard to read what I wrote on New Year's Eve last year. I wished for a sibling for Josey, more financial security, and Mike to continue to have fun with his band. Little did I know that we would be desperately close to all those things, but in the end lose them all.
2010 began just fine until May 1st. Mike left for work that morning and returned just a few short minutes later. We never saw a dime of unemployment because they blamed him for getting fired. Don't ask me what circumstances unemployment is for because I don't know. He did nothing wrong, they simply were done having him around and paying his high salary I guess. So there went financial security...and for five long months, no income at all. We found out 5 days after he was fired that we were pregnant. We had been through rounds of fertility and were EXTREMELY excited. Two months later we find out it was TRIPLETS! Another huge excitement, but with worry as well. Then only 3 weeks later, the morning that will haunt us forever. I lost Johnny and then 2 weeks later lost Jaxsen and Asher. I've already written endlessly about the loss but it was the biggest part of our 2010. Looking back it doesn't even seem real most of the time. Seems like it happened to someone else...because things like that WOULD NEVER happen to me. Mike worked random jobs off and on and hunted endlessly for something steady. Finally in September he found a low-paying job, but a job! We are still struggling financially. Maybe struggling is an understatement.
Looking ahead to 2011, I still want the same things as last year. I hope to look back and read this next year as I hold a little baby in my arms. Yes, I do still want that, and no pain, suffering, or sacrifice will change my mind. I am still praying for a classroom job next year, but no matter what, I am doing what God intended me to do. I will continue to teach children and care for them in any position I am placed. I hope that Mike finds true friends to play music with that will stand by him and appreciate the amazing man that he is. Maybe he will find a better paying job, maybe not. I simply wish for his pain to fade. Most importantly I hope that next year finds us stronger than ever in our love for eachother. We have been through more in this one year than all 8 years of our marriage put together. I hope we continue to provide a stable, loving, life for Josey. He is our world, and remains our focus through it all. I wish the best for all our family and friends who carried us this year when we couldn't walk on our own. My personal goal is to mold myself into the old Allison that was not angry, sad, and confused all the time. I struggle daily with wanting the memories to fade, and wanting to never forget the way my sons felt in my arms, or what their beautiful faces looked like. I simply want to be more "normal" again. I will embrace God's plan for my life...whatever that may be.
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