Update

I have promised to update with the blog for those who are concerned and want to be in the loop. It really does help to write it out. It is hard to return all the emails, text messages, and phone calls in a timely manner although all are greatly appreciated. I cherish each person's thoughts and kind words.
I am still in a considerable amount of pain when I overdo it. It is hard not to just fly back into full Mommy mode since I haven't been able to take care of Josey in such a long time. I have to listen to my body more I guess. I have an infection in my blood that we are hoping will go away with oral antibiotics to prevent going back into the hospital for IV meds. I had to get a blood transfusion because of the blood loss during the delivery of the boys and the following surgery. Trying to build up my blood count and beat this infection is draining. We go back to the Dr. soon to check things out and hopefully no problems before them. I am NOT going back to the hospital. I never knew how horrible it would feel to be stuck there waiting for the Dr's report everyday just to hear you have to stay another day.
Mike and I are just taking it one day at a time. I cannot describe how it felt last night to finally be home and just lay in our bed with Mike's arms around me. I felt the most peaceful that I have felt in weeks. I woke up several times during the night and just looked at the baby crib sitting in our room. We had already moved it in there after converting it back to a crib when Josey got his twin size bed. We had not started fixing the office/guest room into a nursery yet. As I looked at the crib I could picture my three sweet boys sleeping together there. Knowing this will never happen just seems cruel. I know they are together again and in Heaven but sometimes this is just not enough comfort. I think tonight I will look at the photos of them again just to see their beautiful faces. I hate that we did not get pictures of Johnny but he looked so very much like Jaxsen. I try so hard to picture every detail of Johnny from that day I held him. I don't want the memory to ever fade of the time I held each baby. I hope to grow stronger everyday without forgetting.