Today has been hard for some reason. My energy is so low. My body has been through so much and the emotional stuff is just really starting to take a toll. I literally just lay around the house all day in between Josey's potty trips. I don't even feel like eating, reading a book, or even watching tv. I just lie here thinking about everything. It plays in my mind over and over. I just don't know how to make it stop. I worry about the financial stuff. I really need a certified job this year just to get us back on track, but it's hard when I don't know when I will be released by the doctor. I worry about going back to work and just breaking down and not being able to do it. I know I am suppose to teach. After losing the boys, I realized that I can touch children's lives who don't have a stable home environment. For several of my students I have been the one stable thing in their lives. The one person they can talk to and trust. I may have lost three boys but maybe I can impact the lives of many more.
Mike still hasn't found anything. He is trying hard but all of this just seems so unfair. I know he needed to be with me and I am happy he is not at his old job because he was stressed and exhausted all the time. Strange how things work out. If he hadn't been able to be by my side constantly I don't know what I would have done.
As we drove home from Walmart in Bentonville the other day I thought of 17 year old Mike and Allison. About our carefree existence and the love I felt for him then. One of those if we knew then what we know now moments. I knew I loved him then, and agreed to marry him three months after we began dating at only 18 years old. We married a year later. At 18 and 19 years old we knew we were suppose to be together. God knew what he was doing giving him to me. We have had our ups and downs in the last 8 years but nothing like the past year. When many men might have turned away or wanted out, mine held me closer and remains strong for me. We are so blessed to have Josey and eachother. I try to remain thankful for that and not pity myself too much. I am unhappy, hurt, and on the edge of losing it everyday, but I have to be strong. I know many people go through similar things and are able to go on but sometimes I don't think I can. I just don't feel strong enough. I know time will help to heal this hurt.
A line from one of my favorite songs sums up my feelings right now:
"Don't take much for this crazy world to rob me of my peace. And the enemy of my soul says you're holding out on me. So I stand here lifting empty hands, for You to fill me up again."
God please fill us up again, and give us the strength to carry on.
I does get easier, but there will always be moments...triggers...tears at random times. That will go on until the day we die, I think. They were real little babies with precious little God-given souls. How could you not be sad?? You are feeling everything as you should on your own time. Don't worry about how others handle their stress, you handle yours the way you see fit. Everyone grieves differently. I'm not telling you anything you don't know, I am sure, but just want to support you. You are handling everything with the grace and dignity of such the great lady you are!!!
ReplyDeleteLove,
Christie Huggins