SNOW DAYS!!

Well, we had school Monday and have been out the rest of the week. Josey and I have been lazy most of the time. I finally made time to read a book, Nicholas Sparks' The Last Song. It was good. Everytime I read one I can't put it down. I read this one in two days. Today I cleaned random things that had been neglected, ceiling fans, baseboards, and the dogs. I think tomorrow we will make valentines and get messy with some paint and glitter! He is really into drawing and making things. When he is finished he says "I have to stick it!" Which means he has to use a magnet to stick it to the fridge. I finally had to toss a few pictures because it was so full. We have been working on counting and drawing shapes. He is really into a new book he got about body parts. It's funny to hear him talk about his skin and try to explain it to me. He is so smart! We will sign him up for Tiny Tots preschool next week, to start in the fall. It is a great program that follows Arkansas preschool frameworks. He will go two days a week for three hours. Just enough to get around other kids and learn some new things. I'm excited but can't believe he is old enough to even be thinking about that!

An incredibly long journey...

Friday, January 14, 2011 has come and gone. I had mixed emotions looking at the date on my calendar where I had marked three little hearts when we found out it was triplets. I am glad the due date is gone but it is a weird feeling. It just feels like the end of a really long journey, as their time is gone now. Yes, I still considered myself to be on their time until the due date passed. Like it was the time in my life that was reserved for Johnny, Jaxsen, and Asher. I am excited to start a new journey and somewhat move on. I am sure that everyday will be different but I hope for more "normal" days. I think I can now focus on new things without a "torn" feeling. I keep thinking that it would be neat if we got pregnant again this month, kind of symbolic. BUT I do know that it is not up to me, no matter how hard I pray, wish, and plan. So I will put up with the sickness from the medicine, the seeing other people's babies, trying not to take a pregnancy test until the day I am suppose to, and preparing myself for any outcome. We shall see what God has in store.

Pity Party

Just taking a moment to write down my thoughts. Probably only interesting if you have been through fertility treatments or know someone who has. I have felt horrible the last four days. It started with a morning of staying home from work throwing up with agonizing stomach pains. Though maybe it was a stomach bug at the time but became evident it was just my crazy hormone surge because my cycle started the next morning. We completed our first fertility treatment cycle on Dec. 3 and obviously I wasn't pregnant so I wanted to wait and see if my cycle would start on its own. It didn't so I had to take very strong hormones to get it to start because it was already Day 50 (opposed to Day 28 when it should start.) For me it isn't unlikely to have a 70 day cycle-hence the inability to get pregnant spontaneously when I only ovulate every three to four months. Anyway, so I have been bleeding more than I ever have and cramping like crazy. At points it is painful to even stand up. I decided to write this for my fellow "infertility friends." I hope that this blog might help someone going through a similar struggle. I don't think it is easy to understand unless you've been in this battle yourself. Some others have also been interested in what exactly we go through for this process. I can't imagine in-vitro or something more major than just medicine treatments. I get sick enough just on these medications. It is physically and emotionally exhausting. I don't know if it is harder after losing, babies but I do feel more pressure for it to work. I see Josey getting older and want him to have a sibling close in age. Our kids would have been less than three years apart...now who knows. Maybe this month will work since the triplets were due this month. I think that would be kind of nice. As for all who think I am crazy, wish I would stop the medicine, or think "maybe it will happen if you relax" I say it is my choice. My chances of becoming pregnant before were very slim, and now after the trauma to my cervix even less. I need a baby. It is all my heart desires, although it is horrifying at the same time.
The triplets' due date is this Friday and I guess I've been thinking about it a lot. I have started having nightmares again and replaying the events in my mind all day. Hoping that I will have some closure after January 14th. The day I had so very much looked forward to.
Well that's my little pity party for today. Now I think I will try to get out my new sewing machine and figure out how to use it. I went to Hobby Lobby and got some cute fabric to attempt making Josey pajamas. I would love to make things for boys since it is so hard to find cute toddler boy stuff anywhere!

Looking back at 2010 and forward to 2011...

It was very hard to read what I wrote on New Year's Eve last year. I wished for a sibling for Josey, more financial security, and Mike to continue to have fun with his band. Little did I know that we would be desperately close to all those things, but in the end lose them all.
2010 began just fine until May 1st. Mike left for work that morning and returned just a few short minutes later. We never saw a dime of unemployment because they blamed him for getting fired. Don't ask me what circumstances unemployment is for because I don't know. He did nothing wrong, they simply were done having him around and paying his high salary I guess. So there went financial security...and for five long months, no income at all. We found out 5 days after he was fired that we were pregnant. We had been through rounds of fertility and were EXTREMELY excited. Two months later we find out it was TRIPLETS! Another huge excitement, but with worry as well. Then only 3 weeks later, the morning that will haunt us forever. I lost Johnny and then 2 weeks later lost Jaxsen and Asher. I've already written endlessly about the loss but it was the biggest part of our 2010. Looking back it doesn't even seem real most of the time. Seems like it happened to someone else...because things like that WOULD NEVER happen to me. Mike worked random jobs off and on and hunted endlessly for something steady. Finally in September he found a low-paying job, but a job! We are still struggling financially. Maybe struggling is an understatement.
Looking ahead to 2011, I still want the same things as last year. I hope to look back and read this next year as I hold a little baby in my arms. Yes, I do still want that, and no pain, suffering, or sacrifice will change my mind. I am still praying for a classroom job next year, but no matter what, I am doing what God intended me to do. I will continue to teach children and care for them in any position I am placed. I hope that Mike finds true friends to play music with that will stand by him and appreciate the amazing man that he is. Maybe he will find a better paying job, maybe not. I simply wish for his pain to fade. Most importantly I hope that next year finds us stronger than ever in our love for eachother. We have been through more in this one year than all 8 years of our marriage put together. I hope we continue to provide a stable, loving, life for Josey. He is our world, and remains our focus through it all. I wish the best for all our family and friends who carried us this year when we couldn't walk on our own. My personal goal is to mold myself into the old Allison that was not angry, sad, and confused all the time. I struggle daily with wanting the memories to fade, and wanting to never forget the way my sons felt in my arms, or what their beautiful faces looked like. I simply want to be more "normal" again. I will embrace God's plan for my life...whatever that may be.

Christmas is coming...

Just thought I would take a minute to update. We are getting ready for Christmas, one of my most favorite times of the year. We made candy, twice actually. Once with Mike's family and once with mine. I always love that. We haven't been able to buy many gifts but at least one thing for each family member. We aren't really buying eachother anything, just want to make sure Josey gets some fun things. I know finances will get better eventually so I'm trying not to get too stressed about it.
It has been 5 months since we lost Johnny and Christmas time is still just going to be hard. I keep thinking about how I was suppose to have three little babies right now (assuming they would have been born early since they were multiples.) It's definitely not how I pictured Christmas would be back in July. January 5th will be 5 months since Jaxsen and Asher went to Heaven. Just doesn't seem like it's been that long. Just trying to make the season fun for Josey and count our blessings.
Jan. 14th, our due date, is quickly approaching. We've been bouncing around ideas to honor the babies that day but really they already had their birthdays. It is just going to be a hard day. Thinking of taking off work incase I'm really emotional, but maybe staying busy would be better...
We hope everyone who has blessed us this year are blessed themselves with family and fun this Christmas. We owe getting through this year to so many people!

Hmm...

I was driving home this afternoon and a Rascal Flatts song came on the radio. (Yes I need to stop listening to country) It made my mind "go there" and I started getting sad thinking about my boys while I was listening to it. I hadn't said anyting outloud or started crying or anything. It was so weird because all of a sudden Josey said "Mommy!" I asked him what he wanted, and he said "Baby Jaxsen in Heaven." Then he went on about Asher and that the babies were "little" babies, etc. He said "In Heaven with God, Mommy, my brothers and Johnny baby too." The timing was just so odd. We never say anything about the babies in front of him. I have only said their names to him like twice ever. I wonder why he was thinking about them at that moment? The exact same moment I was replaying everything in my head. Just one of those moments that makes you go...hmm? By the way I'm pretty sure my little guy is a genius. I don't know many two-year-olds that can carry on such a long conversation. He is learning so much every day :)

I am exhausted lately! Josey has been giving us a run for our money. It is so hard to discipline him because half the time he is so cute that you can't even be mad. He decided to become all the way potty-trained. Of course he is young so there are accidents from time to time but I no longer have to do load after load of laundry every day! I am very excited not to have to worry about taking a diaperbag everywhere!!
Halloween was great. He was the cutest puppy dog ever!! We trick-or-treated at several different events that week. Josey really enjoyed it. It was so fun now that he is old enough to say "trick-or-treat!" He was absolutely adorable running through the neighborhood trick-or-treating with his cousins.
We are starting the adventure into having another baby. I started a medication that I have to be on to build up in my system before we can use clomid. Unfortunately, it makes me violently sick. Thankfully though I feeling better after a few weeks. I am trying not to put too much pressure on myself but that is hard to do. Sometimes I think about making baby things from the patterns I bought, how I will decorate the nursery, etc. I did finally put away the baby clothes for the boys. The crib is still up in our room...not sure if we will put it away or move it to the other room but it really doesn't seem to bother me. It still has the bear sitting in it that Mike's mom bought and wrote Johnny's initials on the ribbon. I have been doing ok, but for some reason yesterday I was really weepy all day. I started crying when we went to bed last night. Luckily Mike was there to talk me down like always. I thought that really helped but then today I was walking down the hallway at school and I heard a little boy crying in one of the rooms. Don't know why, but when I got to the restroom I just busted out crying. I am thinking it may be the medication and still raging hormones...sigh. I know that so many people (family and friends) are worried about us taking another adventure into expanding our family and I don't think I can ever make everyone understand. Unless you've been through trying and trying with no luck, and doctors telling you that the chances of conceiving on your own are slim to none, and devastating disappointments, I don't know that it is possible to understand. I don't think it is anyone's choice but ours to make. Every person has to make the choice that is right for their family. No one should judge anyone for using medication, or other methods, because you just don't know what another person has been through or how they feel. I respect everyone's opinions, but bluntly...it is our choice.
Looking forward to the holidays. I have trouble because I would have been 31 weeks this week and most likely would have delivered triplets sometime soon. Dec. 7 was the day we set for a goal to be home with the babies. Mike's mom even set a timer in her phone for that day, we were all so optimistic. January 14 will be awful, as that was our due date. We just HAVE to focus on our beautiful son and wonderful family during my favorite season of the year. Can't wait for Thanksgiving and of course Black Friday Christmas shopping!!