A big milestone...12 week surgery

Ever since I lost the babies I have been focused on a big milestone. Getting to 12 weeks with another pregnancy. My doctor told me after our loss that I would absolutely have to have a cerclage at 12 weeks with any future pregnancies because my cervix is incompetent and now has scar tissue as well. So here we are...12 weeks tomorrow and surgery scheduled for this Wednesday, February 1st. With tons of help from Mike I have been able to take it extremely easy for the first trimester. I am often afraid to do even the littlest things, so I look forward to that fear easing a little. Once the stitches are in place my doctor is hopeful we will return to a "normal" pregnancy. Of course I will have to be cautious, but I will have peace of mind knowing that what happened with Johnny cannot happen this time. I keep telling myself that this time everything is so different. Going into the surgery last time I had already lost one baby, the placenta hadn't delivered, and I was still carrying two babies. It was our best shot at saving the other two boys but in the end the infection was just too great. I am healthy this time, and so is the baby. I am scared that the stitiches could rip out like last time if the baby wants to be born early, but I am choosing to put that out of my mind. I will have to miss a few days of work, but hope to be back on my feet quickly. Please pray for a successful procedure, quick healing, and calming of our worries.

One day at a time

I thought it was time to update everyone since I've had many wonderful friends asking how I am doing. My immediate answer is EXHAUSTED! By the time I get home from work I am ready to sleep. I have to fight myself to stay awake until Mike gets home. He has been so wonderful to encourage me to take it easy, take a nap, or just be lazy in general. I have no idea what I would do without him. He takes care of everything. So I pretty much end up napping at some point every night before bedtime. Sometimes I wake up just in time to go to bed :) I am hoping the tiredness passes soon but can I just say I am so thankful to be tired! It just means that this sweet little baby is zapping my energy and growing strong at the same time! It is funny how perspective is everything.
On another note...to answer many that have asked...yes there are moments when fear creeps in. Mommies that have "been there" understand this all too well. Some days I am hesitant to get out of bed or to stand up. Sometimes I will get a pain or a twinge and I want to freak out. I know it is crazy! I have no reason to think anything will happen. I have one baby safe inside. This is the best case scenario. I can't understand now why my three boys were taken from us, but I keep telling myself the circumstances were so different. I am choosing to just be thankful. Every morning before my feet hit the floor I just say "thank you Lord for this baby." I am believing with all my heart that I will be holding a beautiful, healthy baby in my arms this summer. I can't wait!

Baby Smith 2012!

On the top, Josey wearing his Big Brother shirt in May 2010 to announce he was going to be a big brother to our three sweet angel boys.

On the bottom, Josey wearing his shirt in January 2012 to announce that he will once again be a big brother!

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Another little Baby Smith is on the way!! We started a new medication for the last cycle. I was having a lot of uncomfortable side effects, but I was trying to keep up hope. The week it was time to take a test, several small things were happening that made me "feel" like maybe I was pregnant. So I was very disappointed when I had a negative test. I actually cried ( I hadn't let myself get my hopes up in a while.) Well...another week went by and I had to take another test, mind you just to prove to my doctor that I wasn't pregnant, so we could see what steps were next for us. I stopped for a test after work on Friday, December, 9th. Of course when I got home I just decided to go ahead and take it. I didn't even wait around to see what it said. I can not quite describe the feelings I had when I walked back in the bathroom and picked it up. Shock, surprise, excitement, fear...It was POSITIVE! I honestly just kind of sat down on the bathroom floor and looked at the test. Josey came in and asked if I was ok and why I was crying. I told him I was just really happy :) I had about 10 minutes until Mike would be home so I hurried up and pulled myself together. I had Josey put on his Big Brother shirt he wore when we announced we were expecting last time. He always hides when he hears the garage door and Daddy has to find him. It was perfect because Josey hid in his closet and I just sat on his bed, so I could video Mike's response on my phone without him suspecting anything. It was awesome! Mike opened the closet door and immediately said, "why are you wearing that shirt?" Pretty observant, right? He said he thought that was the reason but didn't want to guess that if not. He is so sensitive of my feelings. Josey kept saying, "it's my little brother shirt remember?" It was so funny. Finally, Mike turned around and said, "Are you pregnant?" Lots of tears and hugs followed. Now, I can't say we were having the reaction one would imagine. Our moments of happiness quickly turned into discussions of our fears and concerns. Right then, that night we had to decide to be "all in." We have to choose to block out the doubts and fear. I told Mike I feel that the way I think about this is really important to our success. The three of us went to dinner that night to celebrate. As I looked across the table at Mike and Josey, I just simply kept thinking, "Thank you Lord." My heart was full of that special kind of joy and happiness you feel only a few times in life. Well...the question everyone is probably wanting an answer to.......Yes, we saw ONE healthy baby on ultrasound on December 27th! We are due August 13th! We are so happy and so thankful for this little one joining our family.