One day at a time

I thought it was time to update everyone since I've had many wonderful friends asking how I am doing. My immediate answer is EXHAUSTED! By the time I get home from work I am ready to sleep. I have to fight myself to stay awake until Mike gets home. He has been so wonderful to encourage me to take it easy, take a nap, or just be lazy in general. I have no idea what I would do without him. He takes care of everything. So I pretty much end up napping at some point every night before bedtime. Sometimes I wake up just in time to go to bed :) I am hoping the tiredness passes soon but can I just say I am so thankful to be tired! It just means that this sweet little baby is zapping my energy and growing strong at the same time! It is funny how perspective is everything.
On another note...to answer many that have asked...yes there are moments when fear creeps in. Mommies that have "been there" understand this all too well. Some days I am hesitant to get out of bed or to stand up. Sometimes I will get a pain or a twinge and I want to freak out. I know it is crazy! I have no reason to think anything will happen. I have one baby safe inside. This is the best case scenario. I can't understand now why my three boys were taken from us, but I keep telling myself the circumstances were so different. I am choosing to just be thankful. Every morning before my feet hit the floor I just say "thank you Lord for this baby." I am believing with all my heart that I will be holding a beautiful, healthy baby in my arms this summer. I can't wait!

Baby Smith 2012!

On the top, Josey wearing his Big Brother shirt in May 2010 to announce he was going to be a big brother to our three sweet angel boys.

On the bottom, Josey wearing his shirt in January 2012 to announce that he will once again be a big brother!

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Another little Baby Smith is on the way!! We started a new medication for the last cycle. I was having a lot of uncomfortable side effects, but I was trying to keep up hope. The week it was time to take a test, several small things were happening that made me "feel" like maybe I was pregnant. So I was very disappointed when I had a negative test. I actually cried ( I hadn't let myself get my hopes up in a while.) Well...another week went by and I had to take another test, mind you just to prove to my doctor that I wasn't pregnant, so we could see what steps were next for us. I stopped for a test after work on Friday, December, 9th. Of course when I got home I just decided to go ahead and take it. I didn't even wait around to see what it said. I can not quite describe the feelings I had when I walked back in the bathroom and picked it up. Shock, surprise, excitement, fear...It was POSITIVE! I honestly just kind of sat down on the bathroom floor and looked at the test. Josey came in and asked if I was ok and why I was crying. I told him I was just really happy :) I had about 10 minutes until Mike would be home so I hurried up and pulled myself together. I had Josey put on his Big Brother shirt he wore when we announced we were expecting last time. He always hides when he hears the garage door and Daddy has to find him. It was perfect because Josey hid in his closet and I just sat on his bed, so I could video Mike's response on my phone without him suspecting anything. It was awesome! Mike opened the closet door and immediately said, "why are you wearing that shirt?" Pretty observant, right? He said he thought that was the reason but didn't want to guess that if not. He is so sensitive of my feelings. Josey kept saying, "it's my little brother shirt remember?" It was so funny. Finally, Mike turned around and said, "Are you pregnant?" Lots of tears and hugs followed. Now, I can't say we were having the reaction one would imagine. Our moments of happiness quickly turned into discussions of our fears and concerns. Right then, that night we had to decide to be "all in." We have to choose to block out the doubts and fear. I told Mike I feel that the way I think about this is really important to our success. The three of us went to dinner that night to celebrate. As I looked across the table at Mike and Josey, I just simply kept thinking, "Thank you Lord." My heart was full of that special kind of joy and happiness you feel only a few times in life. Well...the question everyone is probably wanting an answer to.......Yes, we saw ONE healthy baby on ultrasound on December 27th! We are due August 13th! We are so happy and so thankful for this little one joining our family.

3Hearts Design

A few months ago I decided to make a Razorback wreath I saw on Pinterest (I have become totally addicted to this site!) I had no idea that people would actually want to buy them so I was pleasantly surprised when the orders started rolling in. I now have Christmas wreaths and scrap tutus I am making/selling. What a hidden blessing for us! I was thinking about needing to do something for a little extra income and God provided that opportunity. I don't know if it will grow into anything or not but it has been a lot of fun so far!

My Tiny Tot

What Josey decided to take for

Show and Tell! Loves Ninja Turtles

just like his Daddy!

Josey is loving going to Tiny Tots. This week has started begging me for everyday to be a school day. He only goes on Tues/Thurs so he is always asking...is it Thursday yet? He loves his time at Nana and Pawpaw's still though. It is so nice that he can have both. At first he would come home and tell me all about everything he did. Then we had several weeks where he would refuse to talk about it. He would say, "my mouth doesn't want to say that." Meaning leave me alone I don't want to talk about it. It would crack me up, but I was sad not to know everything he did. I guess he just wanted to keep it to himself, kind of his own special thing. Now he is back to talking about school with us. He is always so excited on Tuesdays to tell me all about Happy Feet soccer. I think he loves getting to learn new games with the soccer ball. I love all the art projects he makes. It is hard to find room to hang them all up!

On Thursday he is having his very first Halloween party. I am taking off the morning to go with him. I can't wait! It took several trips but we finally decided on a costume for him. He had the funniest ideas about what he wanted to be. My favorite one that he didn't get was "Green Mario" also known as Luigi. It was too funny! In the end we went with something I think he will enjoy more. Will post pics after the party!

Such a goofball!

Peekaboo Magazine Article

Here is the article that I wrote for this month's issue of Peekaboo magazine. So thankful for the opportunity to share our story.

http://http://www.peekaboonwa.com/?p=471

You've been picking up the pieces Lord

Josey was so excited to get a letter from his teacher at Tiny Tots. He starts on September 6th!


Lyrics from one of my favorite songs "My dreams were torn and scattered on the floor, but You've been picking up the pieces Lord." This completely describes me feelings at the moment. I am so excited to be back in the classroom again. I am more exhausted than I remember...but then again in private school I never had 25 students, there were no Common Core standards, no professional development to attend, no students being pulled from the classroom, and no small group instruction to plan for. However, at Salem there was no team to plan with (I was the team), no extra help for students who needed it, only a basal to teach from, no PE or Art teacher, and teachers had lunch duty every day. It is hard not to compare. There are just good things and bad things about both types of teaching environment. So far I think I am doing ok adjusting to my new normal. Being at Westside as a Title 1 assistant was such a hidden blessing. I think I would be so lost if I hadn't already been familiar with the school procedures, etc. But like I said...I'm exhausted!! I can't just show up at 7:30 and leave at 3:00 anymore. The first two weeks were crazy, but on Friday I actually left around 4pm instead of 6! I feel like I haven't seen my family in a month, but I think things will begin to ease up a little soon. I feel like I am finally hitting my stride. The "pieces" of our life are slowly popping back into place. I am so thankful that Mike and I both have jobs that are enjoyable! Josey will start preschool on Tuesday so I am freaking out a little...or a lot! He has never been anywhere besides with my Mom and Dad while I work. I will update more this week about how he does. Should be an interesting week for sure.

It's hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go...

I hate that I didn't post anything on Jaxsen and Asher's special day but life has been crazy. I spent August 5 sitting in new teacher orientation. My mind drifted to them often that day but I was thankful to be "busy." Their day didn't hit quite as hard as July 20th but it was still my sweet boys' birthday and my heart was broken not to have them with me. To say I miss them just isn't enough. I am able to put one foot in front of the other a little easier, but I have days when it's one step forward and two steps back. I am so sad that I have "empty" arms. When I snuggle Josey sometimes, just for a minute, I can almost imagine holding my three little guys the same way. At first I missed having a baby around and now I think about having three little toddlers that would be walking and all over the place. Jaxsen would have been full of energy. I know this because he danced like crazy everytime we saw him on an ultrasound. He was a fighter. He held on as long as he could, but in the early hours of that morning he surprised every medical person in that room and did something unthinkable. He was so strong and determined.
Asher would have been the quiet and wise littlest brother. One look into his little face and I felt peaceful and calm. I have always felt he just needed his own Mommy time so he stayed with me a little longer. I regret more than anything that he is the only one of my four sons that I don't remember delivering. I have struggled with wondering why my life was the one that had to be saved that day, but that was His plan. Mommy misses her little August babies.