Hmm...

I was driving home this afternoon and a Rascal Flatts song came on the radio. (Yes I need to stop listening to country) It made my mind "go there" and I started getting sad thinking about my boys while I was listening to it. I hadn't said anyting outloud or started crying or anything. It was so weird because all of a sudden Josey said "Mommy!" I asked him what he wanted, and he said "Baby Jaxsen in Heaven." Then he went on about Asher and that the babies were "little" babies, etc. He said "In Heaven with God, Mommy, my brothers and Johnny baby too." The timing was just so odd. We never say anything about the babies in front of him. I have only said their names to him like twice ever. I wonder why he was thinking about them at that moment? The exact same moment I was replaying everything in my head. Just one of those moments that makes you go...hmm? By the way I'm pretty sure my little guy is a genius. I don't know many two-year-olds that can carry on such a long conversation. He is learning so much every day :)

I am exhausted lately! Josey has been giving us a run for our money. It is so hard to discipline him because half the time he is so cute that you can't even be mad. He decided to become all the way potty-trained. Of course he is young so there are accidents from time to time but I no longer have to do load after load of laundry every day! I am very excited not to have to worry about taking a diaperbag everywhere!!
Halloween was great. He was the cutest puppy dog ever!! We trick-or-treated at several different events that week. Josey really enjoyed it. It was so fun now that he is old enough to say "trick-or-treat!" He was absolutely adorable running through the neighborhood trick-or-treating with his cousins.
We are starting the adventure into having another baby. I started a medication that I have to be on to build up in my system before we can use clomid. Unfortunately, it makes me violently sick. Thankfully though I feeling better after a few weeks. I am trying not to put too much pressure on myself but that is hard to do. Sometimes I think about making baby things from the patterns I bought, how I will decorate the nursery, etc. I did finally put away the baby clothes for the boys. The crib is still up in our room...not sure if we will put it away or move it to the other room but it really doesn't seem to bother me. It still has the bear sitting in it that Mike's mom bought and wrote Johnny's initials on the ribbon. I have been doing ok, but for some reason yesterday I was really weepy all day. I started crying when we went to bed last night. Luckily Mike was there to talk me down like always. I thought that really helped but then today I was walking down the hallway at school and I heard a little boy crying in one of the rooms. Don't know why, but when I got to the restroom I just busted out crying. I am thinking it may be the medication and still raging hormones...sigh. I know that so many people (family and friends) are worried about us taking another adventure into expanding our family and I don't think I can ever make everyone understand. Unless you've been through trying and trying with no luck, and doctors telling you that the chances of conceiving on your own are slim to none, and devastating disappointments, I don't know that it is possible to understand. I don't think it is anyone's choice but ours to make. Every person has to make the choice that is right for their family. No one should judge anyone for using medication, or other methods, because you just don't know what another person has been through or how they feel. I respect everyone's opinions, but bluntly...it is our choice.
Looking forward to the holidays. I have trouble because I would have been 31 weeks this week and most likely would have delivered triplets sometime soon. Dec. 7 was the day we set for a goal to be home with the babies. Mike's mom even set a timer in her phone for that day, we were all so optimistic. January 14 will be awful, as that was our due date. We just HAVE to focus on our beautiful son and wonderful family during my favorite season of the year. Can't wait for Thanksgiving and of course Black Friday Christmas shopping!!

October 2010

Not much to update on. Mike is still liking his job, and he got his first paycheck in FOREVER!! We are not out of the woods financially but at least we can pay a few bills. Our house will be up for foreclosure in a few weeks if we can't get something figured out. We have applied for a modification and it should go through. It would lower our interest rate, and payment, and possibly help us with late fees and past due payments. Need prayers for that!! We will NOT lose our house after everything else that has happened!! I am happy at my job and love the kiddos I work with. Still hoping for a classroom job next year, but I love what I do. I am ok most days, sometimes my thoughts drift off to unpleasant memories but that is happening somewhat less often. I am off all of the anxiety medicine now, so we will see how that works out. I have started taking some medicine to help with fertility, as we will be able to try again in a few months. Unfortunately, it makes me really sick. I threw up several days last week. Not just throwing up, but the worst nausea/stomach pains you can imagine. I feel better this week and have been through this twice before so I know it's just part of the way my body handles it, and unfortunately part of us trying to conceive. We are just praying about it, and hoping God will bless us again with a pregnancy and a healthy baby. I did some organizing around the house but still haven't moved the crib or put away the babies' things yet. Probably soon, since now that I am trying to be "normal" those things are more of a painful reminder and a trigger for my mind to "go there" again. We still have the memory boxes sitting on the mantle above the fireplace. Our tv is mounted above the fireplace so sometimes when I watch tv my eyes will focus on them, and there go the waterworks. I did put away the ultrasound pictures (the only ones we have) off the refrigerator, inside Jaxsen's memory box. When I had them down Josey looked at their pictures for the first time. I think it was ok because he won't remember. I need to hear him say their names and talk about his baby brothers. It is crazy, but it helps. I know he won't see the pictures again until he is much older. The next day he was eating and told me "baby brothers in Heaven, Mommy." If only I could put it so simply and matter of fact in my mind. I know they are, and it gives me much comfort, but it is so painful to say.
Josey...hmm what to say. He is a 2 1/2 year old boy! He is stubborn, sweet, crazy, demanding, and loving. He is my little sour patch kid. (If you have seen the commercials this makes sense.) First he's sour....then he's sweet! He melts my heart everytime he tells me "Mommy, love you much!" He also tells us that he missed us when we get home, this makes you never wanna leave again. He is so smart, constantly amazing me with what he knows and talks about. Hopefully, we are on the uphill part of life for a while. We are really enjoying focusing on the future and the simple things we are starting to enjoy again. Thanks to all who continue to support us. It makes me feel better when people ask how I'm doing, sometimes I DO need to talk about the babies or the bad stuff that has happened, and how I'm working through it. I know it is uncomfortable for some to hear about the loss because they don't know what to say, so I try not to say much. But I dont' want to always censor what I'm feeling or act like it didn't happen.
Looking forward to more Hog football watch parties and our Hallween party coming up! I love fall weather and activities! Can't wait to take J to pick out pumpkins!!

Update

Mike started a job this week. Today he told me that he is pretty happy there so far. It is at an auto parts supplier in Tontitown. Great hours and Saturdays only when overtime is needed. Don't think he is loving getting up at 6am but it is nice for him to have closer to the same schedule as me now. Lots more family time than at his previous job. I have to take Josey to Mom and Dad's now in the mornings which is a lot of work and getting around earlier for me. I was lucky that Mike has always taken him up until now. Josey is pretty reluctant to leave me but if Mom comes outside to get him, he is fine and waves goodbye to me. It is super hard to leave him, I guess even moreso since everything that has happened. Sometimes I just hold him as he's falling asleep and stare at him. I love that little guy so much!
I am doing ok. Most days. I have times when my thoughts just run wild and I replay events over and over. On Friday I had an evening of panic attacks and just an uneasy feeling. Hopefully those will get fewer and farther between. I did see the Dr. for my 6 week checkup. Can't believe it's been 6 weeks already. I got a great report, seem to be healed properly. We will be able to try again in a few months if we are ready. I want a baby more than anything, but with us it is so hard to conceive and now it will be even more difficult. We have to make sure we are mentally strong enough to go through trying, negative tests, the pregnancy worries, and ups and downs first. For me that depends on the day. I keep saying I want to be pregnant...but not just pregnant. 15 weeks pregnant with 3 little boys. I haven't had the heart or energy to take the crib down yet, but I think it's time. Planning on putting it in the guest room and going ahead and doing some of the rearranging I had planned on doing. Like moving the changing table (that hasn't been used in months) out of J's room and into the guest room. Feeling like rearranging somethings might feel like a fresh start. Don't know how I am going to touch the baby clothes and blankets bought and made for the babies but somehow I will. Just praying for God to give us peace and guidance for upcoming decisions in many aspects of our lives.

And the roller coaster continues...

So Mike did not end up with the job. Yes, seriously!? They said he arrived a minute late and so he was not allowed to work there. I am in disbelief but if that's how they are, I say it wouldn't have been a good place to work. Yes he should have been there early but he got stuck in traffic. Am I wrong or does it seem like they just changed their mind, or had already found someone they liked better? He already resigned from the night factory job, so....he is jobless again. Unbelievable. At this point the situation is desperate. I did go back to work Monday to a job I love, but it does not even pay the mortgage let alone all the other bills. I had hoped to have a certified classroom job this year but with the timing of everything that happened that wasn't possible. I am holding on to the thought that next year I will get a spot easily since I am already working in the district. Guess we'll see. So if anyone has ANY ideas for Mike please pass them along. Or any ideas for a second job for me. I could work weekends and after school.

Headed back to work...

I had my three week check-up on Thursday and everything is going well so far. I feel better everyday and am cutting down on the meds. It still gets uncomfortable to walk really far, and I get winded so easily. I'm sure it will take some time to get back to 100%. It was a nice visit with the Dr. He and I kinda went over everything and he reassured me that they did all they could. He said that none of us wanted this to happen but after losing Johnny, this was most likely where we would end up. Trying to keep the other two was just kind of uncharted territory. Boy can I tell you how much I hate being the "interesting case" that all the nurses and Drs. were amazed by. I fought back a few tears at the Drs office. It was hard seeing other expecting moms and hearing people scheduling their c-sections. I keep telling myself to be happy for other people because I don't know what they have been through to get their little miracle. When a couple came out excited after their ultrasound it was all I had not to cry thinking about the day we first saw three babies in there. Such a mix of emotions and fears that day, but a day I will cherish forever. I also thought of the day we saw three healthy babies only 18 hours before losing Johnny and our lives being thrown into an unstoppable nightmare. On a positive note though Dr. S said that he saw no reason why we wouldn't be able to try for more children. I will see him again in 3 weeks to make sure healing is going well. It is hard to think of trying again but of course we want more children. With my infertility issues it is just so hard to conceive. We tried over a year and a half with Josey and over a year with Johnny, Jaxsen, and Asher. I know some try much longer, but the endless medication and negative pregnancy tests are just so hard to go through. The Dr. recommends at least 6 months until we think about starting all this over again. Of course a part of me wants to be pregnant today. It is the hardest thing to wake up each morning and realize just a few weeks ago I was pregnant and now am not. I have left the maternity clothes I was just starting to need hanging in the closet. Mom bought me a few maternity clothes after losing the first baby, and I just can't put them away. It is very strange to fit into normal clothes. With any future pregnancies it will not be easy. I will have to have the cerclage, stitching of the cervix, again. With the damage, my cervix most likely will not be able to hold a baby in again. Just praying that it will be strong enough to get us to 12 weeks with a pregnancy so we can have to procedure. Guess we will just see what the next Dr. report is on Sept. 16 and go from there. Dr. S said lets get to 2011 and start over and have a great year. Surely we have some good fortune coming, right? I have to mention that it is so touching to have a Dr. that really cares and is really disappointed right along with us.
Well I go back to work tomorrow and Mike starts his new job. Praise God for him getting a day job with great hours, the overnight stuff wasn't gonna work! I hope to ease back into a routine...will be a little hard to be "normal" again after all that has happened since May 1st.

Random thoughts...

Today has been hard for some reason. My energy is so low. My body has been through so much and the emotional stuff is just really starting to take a toll. I literally just lay around the house all day in between Josey's potty trips. I don't even feel like eating, reading a book, or even watching tv. I just lie here thinking about everything. It plays in my mind over and over. I just don't know how to make it stop. I worry about the financial stuff. I really need a certified job this year just to get us back on track, but it's hard when I don't know when I will be released by the doctor. I worry about going back to work and just breaking down and not being able to do it. I know I am suppose to teach. After losing the boys, I realized that I can touch children's lives who don't have a stable home environment. For several of my students I have been the one stable thing in their lives. The one person they can talk to and trust. I may have lost three boys but maybe I can impact the lives of many more.
Mike still hasn't found anything. He is trying hard but all of this just seems so unfair. I know he needed to be with me and I am happy he is not at his old job because he was stressed and exhausted all the time. Strange how things work out. If he hadn't been able to be by my side constantly I don't know what I would have done.
As we drove home from Walmart in Bentonville the other day I thought of 17 year old Mike and Allison. About our carefree existence and the love I felt for him then. One of those if we knew then what we know now moments. I knew I loved him then, and agreed to marry him three months after we began dating at only 18 years old. We married a year later. At 18 and 19 years old we knew we were suppose to be together. God knew what he was doing giving him to me. We have had our ups and downs in the last 8 years but nothing like the past year. When many men might have turned away or wanted out, mine held me closer and remains strong for me. We are so blessed to have Josey and eachother. I try to remain thankful for that and not pity myself too much. I am unhappy, hurt, and on the edge of losing it everyday, but I have to be strong. I know many people go through similar things and are able to go on but sometimes I don't think I can. I just don't feel strong enough. I know time will help to heal this hurt.

A line from one of my favorite songs sums up my feelings right now:
"Don't take much for this crazy world to rob me of my peace. And the enemy of my soul says you're holding out on me. So I stand here lifting empty hands, for You to fill me up again."

God please fill us up again, and give us the strength to carry on.