And the roller coaster continues...

So Mike did not end up with the job. Yes, seriously!? They said he arrived a minute late and so he was not allowed to work there. I am in disbelief but if that's how they are, I say it wouldn't have been a good place to work. Yes he should have been there early but he got stuck in traffic. Am I wrong or does it seem like they just changed their mind, or had already found someone they liked better? He already resigned from the night factory job, so....he is jobless again. Unbelievable. At this point the situation is desperate. I did go back to work Monday to a job I love, but it does not even pay the mortgage let alone all the other bills. I had hoped to have a certified classroom job this year but with the timing of everything that happened that wasn't possible. I am holding on to the thought that next year I will get a spot easily since I am already working in the district. Guess we'll see. So if anyone has ANY ideas for Mike please pass them along. Or any ideas for a second job for me. I could work weekends and after school.

Headed back to work...

I had my three week check-up on Thursday and everything is going well so far. I feel better everyday and am cutting down on the meds. It still gets uncomfortable to walk really far, and I get winded so easily. I'm sure it will take some time to get back to 100%. It was a nice visit with the Dr. He and I kinda went over everything and he reassured me that they did all they could. He said that none of us wanted this to happen but after losing Johnny, this was most likely where we would end up. Trying to keep the other two was just kind of uncharted territory. Boy can I tell you how much I hate being the "interesting case" that all the nurses and Drs. were amazed by. I fought back a few tears at the Drs office. It was hard seeing other expecting moms and hearing people scheduling their c-sections. I keep telling myself to be happy for other people because I don't know what they have been through to get their little miracle. When a couple came out excited after their ultrasound it was all I had not to cry thinking about the day we first saw three babies in there. Such a mix of emotions and fears that day, but a day I will cherish forever. I also thought of the day we saw three healthy babies only 18 hours before losing Johnny and our lives being thrown into an unstoppable nightmare. On a positive note though Dr. S said that he saw no reason why we wouldn't be able to try for more children. I will see him again in 3 weeks to make sure healing is going well. It is hard to think of trying again but of course we want more children. With my infertility issues it is just so hard to conceive. We tried over a year and a half with Josey and over a year with Johnny, Jaxsen, and Asher. I know some try much longer, but the endless medication and negative pregnancy tests are just so hard to go through. The Dr. recommends at least 6 months until we think about starting all this over again. Of course a part of me wants to be pregnant today. It is the hardest thing to wake up each morning and realize just a few weeks ago I was pregnant and now am not. I have left the maternity clothes I was just starting to need hanging in the closet. Mom bought me a few maternity clothes after losing the first baby, and I just can't put them away. It is very strange to fit into normal clothes. With any future pregnancies it will not be easy. I will have to have the cerclage, stitching of the cervix, again. With the damage, my cervix most likely will not be able to hold a baby in again. Just praying that it will be strong enough to get us to 12 weeks with a pregnancy so we can have to procedure. Guess we will just see what the next Dr. report is on Sept. 16 and go from there. Dr. S said lets get to 2011 and start over and have a great year. Surely we have some good fortune coming, right? I have to mention that it is so touching to have a Dr. that really cares and is really disappointed right along with us.
Well I go back to work tomorrow and Mike starts his new job. Praise God for him getting a day job with great hours, the overnight stuff wasn't gonna work! I hope to ease back into a routine...will be a little hard to be "normal" again after all that has happened since May 1st.

Random thoughts...

Today has been hard for some reason. My energy is so low. My body has been through so much and the emotional stuff is just really starting to take a toll. I literally just lay around the house all day in between Josey's potty trips. I don't even feel like eating, reading a book, or even watching tv. I just lie here thinking about everything. It plays in my mind over and over. I just don't know how to make it stop. I worry about the financial stuff. I really need a certified job this year just to get us back on track, but it's hard when I don't know when I will be released by the doctor. I worry about going back to work and just breaking down and not being able to do it. I know I am suppose to teach. After losing the boys, I realized that I can touch children's lives who don't have a stable home environment. For several of my students I have been the one stable thing in their lives. The one person they can talk to and trust. I may have lost three boys but maybe I can impact the lives of many more.
Mike still hasn't found anything. He is trying hard but all of this just seems so unfair. I know he needed to be with me and I am happy he is not at his old job because he was stressed and exhausted all the time. Strange how things work out. If he hadn't been able to be by my side constantly I don't know what I would have done.
As we drove home from Walmart in Bentonville the other day I thought of 17 year old Mike and Allison. About our carefree existence and the love I felt for him then. One of those if we knew then what we know now moments. I knew I loved him then, and agreed to marry him three months after we began dating at only 18 years old. We married a year later. At 18 and 19 years old we knew we were suppose to be together. God knew what he was doing giving him to me. We have had our ups and downs in the last 8 years but nothing like the past year. When many men might have turned away or wanted out, mine held me closer and remains strong for me. We are so blessed to have Josey and eachother. I try to remain thankful for that and not pity myself too much. I am unhappy, hurt, and on the edge of losing it everyday, but I have to be strong. I know many people go through similar things and are able to go on but sometimes I don't think I can. I just don't feel strong enough. I know time will help to heal this hurt.

A line from one of my favorite songs sums up my feelings right now:
"Don't take much for this crazy world to rob me of my peace. And the enemy of my soul says you're holding out on me. So I stand here lifting empty hands, for You to fill me up again."

God please fill us up again, and give us the strength to carry on.

Update

I have promised to update with the blog for those who are concerned and want to be in the loop. It really does help to write it out. It is hard to return all the emails, text messages, and phone calls in a timely manner although all are greatly appreciated. I cherish each person's thoughts and kind words.
I am still in a considerable amount of pain when I overdo it. It is hard not to just fly back into full Mommy mode since I haven't been able to take care of Josey in such a long time. I have to listen to my body more I guess. I have an infection in my blood that we are hoping will go away with oral antibiotics to prevent going back into the hospital for IV meds. I had to get a blood transfusion because of the blood loss during the delivery of the boys and the following surgery. Trying to build up my blood count and beat this infection is draining. We go back to the Dr. soon to check things out and hopefully no problems before them. I am NOT going back to the hospital. I never knew how horrible it would feel to be stuck there waiting for the Dr's report everyday just to hear you have to stay another day.
Mike and I are just taking it one day at a time. I cannot describe how it felt last night to finally be home and just lay in our bed with Mike's arms around me. I felt the most peaceful that I have felt in weeks. I woke up several times during the night and just looked at the baby crib sitting in our room. We had already moved it in there after converting it back to a crib when Josey got his twin size bed. We had not started fixing the office/guest room into a nursery yet. As I looked at the crib I could picture my three sweet boys sleeping together there. Knowing this will never happen just seems cruel. I know they are together again and in Heaven but sometimes this is just not enough comfort. I think tonight I will look at the photos of them again just to see their beautiful faces. I hate that we did not get pictures of Johnny but he looked so very much like Jaxsen. I try so hard to picture every detail of Johnny from that day I held him. I don't want the memory to ever fade of the time I held each baby. I hope to grow stronger everyday without forgetting.

Jaxsen Troby Smith and Asher Jo Smith

I absolutely cannot believe I am writing about another loss. I am so hurt, confused, and devastated. Our third and fourth born sons were born on August 5th, 2010. Jaxsen Troby at around 7ish and Asher Jo somewhere around 8-8:30.
I woke up August 4th at 5 am with cramping. Throughout the day I called the Dr. and nurses several times as my contractions became closer together, about 3 minutes apart most of the day. Of course with the "nothing we can do" thing, they told me drink lots of water, absolutely flat with feet up, take tylenol to sleep. I told myself all day that the worst was not happening. At 1:30 in the morning I accepted that it was. Mike drove me to the hospital, both of us begging God for it to be something else. We waited in the ER room for pain medicine for over an hour and then proceded to lay there waiting for almost three hours to be moved to OB. My contractions were less than a minute apart for over two hours. The worst pain I have ever experienced in my life. My cervix had been sewn shut and was literally ripping open with the babies trying to come out. I have no idea why they did not get me to an OR sooner to remove the stitches in the cervix. Finally we got upstairs to OB and the Dr. on call realized I was in unbearable pain and decided to take me to an OR to take out the stitches. About that time Jaxsen decided he couldn't wait and he was born, nothing could stop him not even "unbreakable" stitches. I was in and out of awareness for a while but still in extreme pain. I was moved to the OR and our Dr. came in to do the surgery. The last thing I heard was, because the cervix ripped we may have to do a complete hysterectomy. Terrifying. I woke up not knowing what the outcome had been. Thank God they were able to deliver Asher and get everything out and save my fertility for now. I had gotten a major uterine infection, the worst that we had prayed would not happen. The babies had to come out. I tryed SO HARD for my babies. I have no idea why we were blessed with these three miracles just to have it all taken away. My heart is broken.
We were able to spend about an hour holding the babies after I recovered from surgery.
Jaxsen was beautiful, he looked a lot like Johnny. He was 5 oz. and 6 3/4 inches long. He had a perfect little face and adorable feet that looked like his Daddy's. He reminded me a lot of Josey too. His middle name is Troby to honor my Dad and our family name. There is nothing more important than my family to me. The hospital put them in little outfits and they were just precious wrapped in their little blankets. I will miss Jaxsen forever and a part of us will always be missing. We will cherish him in our hearts.
Asher was also amazingly beautiful. He had different features than our other boys. A slighly turned up nose (so cute), and long feet like his PawPaw. He was 4 oz and 6 1/4 inches long. We had just come across the name Asher and it means happy and blessed, so I knew it was perfect. His middle name is Jo because it is mike's mom and my sister Laura's middle name. The two people who we felt like we couldn't have made it through this without. Of course all of our family and friends have been amazing too. Asher will forever be loved an missed. Our fourth born son will always be in our hearts.
The hospital took pictures of the babies in their outfits and gave us memory boxes for the babies. They had the pictures inside along with the outfits, blankets, teddy bears they had put in their arms, and baby name bracelets. They were so kind and made one for Johnny although we do not have pictures or an outfit that he wore. Not sure why they didn't do that when he was born. We will cherish the boxes forever. When I look at them I feel like I am still holding the boys in my arms, and my body aches for them.
I am writing this still in the hospital. We are hoping the infection is gone and we will go home today or tomorrow, so far we've been here 4 days this time. I don't know why my two little boys held on for 16 more days than Johnny, but I will forever cherish that time with them. I don't know how I will go home, except for the fact that I have a sweet little boy waiting for his Mommy to come back. One day I will tell him about his three little brothers and how hard they fought to be with him. Mommy and Daddy love our little guys so much.

Johnny Louis Smith

At 8:39 am on July 20, 2010 our son Johnny Louis Smith was born at home. As I write this it still doesn't seem real.
I woke up with some discomfort at 14 weeks 4 days along with our precious triplets. I called the doctor's office and waited for a call back. I delivered Johnny at home about 30 minutes later. We were transported by ambulance to the hospital. I cannot describe the emotions I felt as I rode in the ambulance thinking I was losing all of my babies. In the ER due to a nurse's confusion, I actually thought I lost two of them. Our Dr. met us there. He gently took care of me and the baby. He then did an ultrasound and found two heartbeats safe inside. After about an hour I was sent to an OB room to wait, not knowing if the others would be able to survive such a traumatic event. I was given lots of antibiotics and other medicine. Mike and I chose to hold our sweet little boy and spent about 30 minutes with him in my arms. So glad we chose to do that. He was perfect, yes at 14 and a half weeks...perfect. My first thought was that he had Josey's feet. We hadn't really decided on any names but Johnny just seemed right. Louis was my granfather's name so Mike thought it would be the best middle name. Letting go of him was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I know he is in Heaven and I know God had a bigger plan for our second born son.
I spent the next 48 hours worrying and waiting to see what would happen. The placenta did not deliver with Johnny and never did. We were unsure for almost a week as to whether the babies shared a placenta or had separate ones. The Dr. is fairly confident that they each have their own, which is the best case scenario. I had severe labor pains the second night and they sedated me to calm my body. I have never prayed as I did that night. Begging God to let me keep my babies. When I woke up, we still had two little miracles safe inside. I ended up having a procedure the following Tuesday (a week later) and surgery on Wednesday the 28th to help keep the babies inside. We had two ultrasounds a day to check on the babies and so far they seem unaffected. Very high in the uterus and strong heartbeats. I was in the hospital a total of 10 days. I am very happy to be home but we have a long road ahead. I am on complete bedrest indefinitely. Only able to get up to use the restroom and go to Dr. appointments. We go on Aug. 9th to see how things are going. I pray for the strength to mentally and physically come through this for my babies. My heart is broken, but I must be strong. I have good moments and bad, but I know God will guide me through this. We love you baby Johnny, and you will be loved and missed forever.

Busy times!

Well we've been potty training since Thursday and it is definitely time-consuming. He is doing great but of course not 100% there yet. Yesterday (day four) I took him out of the house for the first time, no accidents in the car and he even went potty in the regular toilet while we were out!! I am so proud of my big boy but sad all at the same time. I know we need to get him on a very set schedule before the babies come but it is hard since I'm off right now. He got a twin size bed and is adjusting to it. Although he did fall out last night, which he never did in his toddler bed but I think he got tangled in the sheet. We had been putting up a baby gate to keep him in his room but that has come down now. We want him to listen to us when we tell him it is time for bed, and avoid the occasional standing at the gate crying/talking to us to get up. Seems to be working well. Kinda worries me when all of a sudden he is standing at my bed saying "mommy wake, wake!" I have no idea what he's been doing. Today when I heard him say that he was using his tools to "fix" our bed. Nothing he can really get into and all the doors are locked, front door chained, but a Mom does worry with a creative little boy!
As for me, I am feeling well for the most part. Potty-training definitely is taking every bit of the little energy I have. I get tired so easily. I am not eating enough, but I just don't feel like eating...which I know I have to in order to grow three babies. Still losing weight but as long as the babies are growing we are ok. We are excited/nervous to go back to the Doctor next Monday to see the babies again. But then again I was nervous everytime we went with J until we heard the heartbeat, etc. It will be nice to have an ultrasound everytime but I think a little more anxiety will be there. They can't simply do the doppler to listen because we have to know who we are listening to. I am sure many things will be different than with Josey, so I feel clueless.
We are working on re-organizing Josey's room and converting the office into a THREE baby room. I have a huge walk-in closet so half is becoming the office/storage for my teaching things, etc. It is slow going because I have to take a break every 10 minutes. Mike started his part-time job today and hopefully will start his full-time job this week. Details coming on that one soon. We are ecstatic but it's overwhelming that we are so far behind that it feels like he need four jobs to catch up. I am praying it works out but will not be easy. Not knowing how long I will be able to work is a big worry for me. I have always worked. I feel kinda helpless but I know, as my family reminds me daily, that my job is to grow three healthy babies. I have been listing things we will need to try and get an idea. So many have been so kind to offer their baby things. I'm sure soon we will be taking everyone up on the offers as we get a little further along. I have now decided we are going to need two more baby carriers with the base for the car. I had thought maybe we could just go with 5lb. and up carseats but the babies just might be too small. The more I thought about it, I decided it seemed crazy not to put them in carriers. So if anyone has a gently used carrier with base please let me know. We are so lucky to have such great friends and family that have been so supportive. We will update after Doctor appt. next week!