Blessed to be a Mother

I am so blessed to have celebrated my fourth Mother's day this Sunday. Josey was only about a month old for my first one and I remember how I was still in that new Mommy mode. Crazy that he is now 3 years old! I have grown so much as a person and a Mommy since that first Mother's day. We are so blessed to be Josey's parents. Mike cooked breakfast and I snuggled with Josey to watch the DVD Mike made me for Mother's Day when Josey was one. He put pictures and videos into an amazing slideshow and I have watched it on each Mother's day since. I just held Josey tight and cried while watching it. I just love him so much and am so thankful for him. The day was also a little bittersweet. I have four little boys but only one was in my arms that day. I can't quite describe what that feels like...just empty I guess. I kept thinking about what they would have looked like at Josey's age, and what I was suppose to be doing now...not sleeping, feeding babies constantly, changing tons of diapers, etc. Is it strange that I feel like that was stolen from me? I know crazy, right? Sometimes I think there is no way I could have handled that and I feel relieved that I can focus on Josey. Of course that is followed by guilt for thinking something like that. One of my main concerns when we found out we were having triplets was how it would be for Josey. I took some time and looked at their pictures and their tiny clothes they wore. So precious.
I have started reading a book called "Heaven is for Real." It is about Heaven from a four-year-old boy's perspective. It is the true account of the little boy's time in Heaven as told by his father. He actually died on the table during surgery and was revived. He began telling his parents things about Heaven. He actually told his mom he saw his miscarried sister in Heaven. His parents had never told him about that so it was a very compelling part of the story. Anyway...reading that chapter gave me so much peace. The little boy said he saw Jesus and he described him. Finally, the mom asked him where was Jesus? He replied, "I was sitting on his lap." How amazing that the first face my boys saw was Jesus'...
As Mother's Day came I was reminded of how thankful I am for my mother who was so strong for me through it all. I don't think I have written about this before, but she also lost a baby before I was born. I know that watching me go through the same thing was so unbelievably hard, but she never let me see that. My mother is an amazing, inspiring woman. I hope that I will be as great of a mother as she has always been for her girls. Not to mention the best Nana in the world to all her grandbabies. Love you Mom!

Josey turning 3!

I have no idea how Josey is already 3 years old. The time has just flown by. He is such a smart, loving, funny little man. It is amazing how many words he learns each week. It is so cool to be able to have entire conversations with him. He is always kissing us and telling us "love you, so much!" Definitely one of the most affectionate little guys I have ever seen. I am so thankful that he loves to cuddle with Mommy all the time! We had a blast throwing him a Spongebob birthday party the Saturday before his birthday. Then took the day off work on his birthday and spoiled him a little (and bought a new car for Mike!) That evening we celebrated with family, corndogs, mac n' cheese, and chocolate chip cookie cake (complete with monster truck on top.) He was beyond spoiled with gifts! He has been racing his Chuck truck on the awesome track for days now.
When I look at Josey, I just say "thank you, Lord." That is all I can really say...each day is a gift. I am beyond blessed to be his Mommy.

The Journey for a Baby Continues

This is an update for those following our infertility journey. I have been so happy to be contacted by some women going through a similar process. Hopefully this blog can help answer some questions or give some a better understanding of what a woman with fertility issues has to face.
It turns out that the lower dosage of Clomid is not working. I am not ovulating. I went to the Dr. and we went over everything. He said our only option at this point is to up the dosage...the level we were using when we conceived the triplets. I know, crazy scary but honestly I didn't even blink. I am completely resting in the fact that God has a plan and He will guide us to the right decision. So with much thought, we decided I should take the Clomid and continue trying.

I was very much hoping that I would be getting a positive pregnancy test result this week. Yes, even after all we've been through I still plan out how I will tell everyone we are pregnant, when the due date would be, and even think about whether it would be a boy or girl. EVERY CYCLE, yeah I know I'm crazy but I can't stop obsessing. Well anyway, I was all excited to take a test on Thursday. On Saturday night I realize I am having some bleeding. I was still thinking ok, maybe it is fine and the cycle did work. Some bleeding can be normal right? Well nope, definitely my period starting. That's right at only day 24 right smack in the middle of a cycle. My usual 45-60 day period had started that early. So now I didn't know if I could start another cycle, because I would have to start the meds again at day 3 which is today already. Ugh! Can I just scream please?! I just feel like crying, but what's new about that?
So I called the Dr. today and he said to go ahead and try to start a new round of Clomid today. However, ready for this...I am on antibiotics for an ear infection, which could cause it not to work. Yep, another cycle that might be doomed from the start. Well that is just a quick update. The journey continues...

SNOW DAYS!!

Well, we had school Monday and have been out the rest of the week. Josey and I have been lazy most of the time. I finally made time to read a book, Nicholas Sparks' The Last Song. It was good. Everytime I read one I can't put it down. I read this one in two days. Today I cleaned random things that had been neglected, ceiling fans, baseboards, and the dogs. I think tomorrow we will make valentines and get messy with some paint and glitter! He is really into drawing and making things. When he is finished he says "I have to stick it!" Which means he has to use a magnet to stick it to the fridge. I finally had to toss a few pictures because it was so full. We have been working on counting and drawing shapes. He is really into a new book he got about body parts. It's funny to hear him talk about his skin and try to explain it to me. He is so smart! We will sign him up for Tiny Tots preschool next week, to start in the fall. It is a great program that follows Arkansas preschool frameworks. He will go two days a week for three hours. Just enough to get around other kids and learn some new things. I'm excited but can't believe he is old enough to even be thinking about that!

An incredibly long journey...

Friday, January 14, 2011 has come and gone. I had mixed emotions looking at the date on my calendar where I had marked three little hearts when we found out it was triplets. I am glad the due date is gone but it is a weird feeling. It just feels like the end of a really long journey, as their time is gone now. Yes, I still considered myself to be on their time until the due date passed. Like it was the time in my life that was reserved for Johnny, Jaxsen, and Asher. I am excited to start a new journey and somewhat move on. I am sure that everyday will be different but I hope for more "normal" days. I think I can now focus on new things without a "torn" feeling. I keep thinking that it would be neat if we got pregnant again this month, kind of symbolic. BUT I do know that it is not up to me, no matter how hard I pray, wish, and plan. So I will put up with the sickness from the medicine, the seeing other people's babies, trying not to take a pregnancy test until the day I am suppose to, and preparing myself for any outcome. We shall see what God has in store.

Pity Party

Just taking a moment to write down my thoughts. Probably only interesting if you have been through fertility treatments or know someone who has. I have felt horrible the last four days. It started with a morning of staying home from work throwing up with agonizing stomach pains. Though maybe it was a stomach bug at the time but became evident it was just my crazy hormone surge because my cycle started the next morning. We completed our first fertility treatment cycle on Dec. 3 and obviously I wasn't pregnant so I wanted to wait and see if my cycle would start on its own. It didn't so I had to take very strong hormones to get it to start because it was already Day 50 (opposed to Day 28 when it should start.) For me it isn't unlikely to have a 70 day cycle-hence the inability to get pregnant spontaneously when I only ovulate every three to four months. Anyway, so I have been bleeding more than I ever have and cramping like crazy. At points it is painful to even stand up. I decided to write this for my fellow "infertility friends." I hope that this blog might help someone going through a similar struggle. I don't think it is easy to understand unless you've been in this battle yourself. Some others have also been interested in what exactly we go through for this process. I can't imagine in-vitro or something more major than just medicine treatments. I get sick enough just on these medications. It is physically and emotionally exhausting. I don't know if it is harder after losing, babies but I do feel more pressure for it to work. I see Josey getting older and want him to have a sibling close in age. Our kids would have been less than three years apart...now who knows. Maybe this month will work since the triplets were due this month. I think that would be kind of nice. As for all who think I am crazy, wish I would stop the medicine, or think "maybe it will happen if you relax" I say it is my choice. My chances of becoming pregnant before were very slim, and now after the trauma to my cervix even less. I need a baby. It is all my heart desires, although it is horrifying at the same time.
The triplets' due date is this Friday and I guess I've been thinking about it a lot. I have started having nightmares again and replaying the events in my mind all day. Hoping that I will have some closure after January 14th. The day I had so very much looked forward to.
Well that's my little pity party for today. Now I think I will try to get out my new sewing machine and figure out how to use it. I went to Hobby Lobby and got some cute fabric to attempt making Josey pajamas. I would love to make things for boys since it is so hard to find cute toddler boy stuff anywhere!

Looking back at 2010 and forward to 2011...

It was very hard to read what I wrote on New Year's Eve last year. I wished for a sibling for Josey, more financial security, and Mike to continue to have fun with his band. Little did I know that we would be desperately close to all those things, but in the end lose them all.
2010 began just fine until May 1st. Mike left for work that morning and returned just a few short minutes later. We never saw a dime of unemployment because they blamed him for getting fired. Don't ask me what circumstances unemployment is for because I don't know. He did nothing wrong, they simply were done having him around and paying his high salary I guess. So there went financial security...and for five long months, no income at all. We found out 5 days after he was fired that we were pregnant. We had been through rounds of fertility and were EXTREMELY excited. Two months later we find out it was TRIPLETS! Another huge excitement, but with worry as well. Then only 3 weeks later, the morning that will haunt us forever. I lost Johnny and then 2 weeks later lost Jaxsen and Asher. I've already written endlessly about the loss but it was the biggest part of our 2010. Looking back it doesn't even seem real most of the time. Seems like it happened to someone else...because things like that WOULD NEVER happen to me. Mike worked random jobs off and on and hunted endlessly for something steady. Finally in September he found a low-paying job, but a job! We are still struggling financially. Maybe struggling is an understatement.
Looking ahead to 2011, I still want the same things as last year. I hope to look back and read this next year as I hold a little baby in my arms. Yes, I do still want that, and no pain, suffering, or sacrifice will change my mind. I am still praying for a classroom job next year, but no matter what, I am doing what God intended me to do. I will continue to teach children and care for them in any position I am placed. I hope that Mike finds true friends to play music with that will stand by him and appreciate the amazing man that he is. Maybe he will find a better paying job, maybe not. I simply wish for his pain to fade. Most importantly I hope that next year finds us stronger than ever in our love for eachother. We have been through more in this one year than all 8 years of our marriage put together. I hope we continue to provide a stable, loving, life for Josey. He is our world, and remains our focus through it all. I wish the best for all our family and friends who carried us this year when we couldn't walk on our own. My personal goal is to mold myself into the old Allison that was not angry, sad, and confused all the time. I struggle daily with wanting the memories to fade, and wanting to never forget the way my sons felt in my arms, or what their beautiful faces looked like. I simply want to be more "normal" again. I will embrace God's plan for my life...whatever that may be.