An incredibly long journey...

Friday, January 14, 2011 has come and gone. I had mixed emotions looking at the date on my calendar where I had marked three little hearts when we found out it was triplets. I am glad the due date is gone but it is a weird feeling. It just feels like the end of a really long journey, as their time is gone now. Yes, I still considered myself to be on their time until the due date passed. Like it was the time in my life that was reserved for Johnny, Jaxsen, and Asher. I am excited to start a new journey and somewhat move on. I am sure that everyday will be different but I hope for more "normal" days. I think I can now focus on new things without a "torn" feeling. I keep thinking that it would be neat if we got pregnant again this month, kind of symbolic. BUT I do know that it is not up to me, no matter how hard I pray, wish, and plan. So I will put up with the sickness from the medicine, the seeing other people's babies, trying not to take a pregnancy test until the day I am suppose to, and preparing myself for any outcome. We shall see what God has in store.

Pity Party

Just taking a moment to write down my thoughts. Probably only interesting if you have been through fertility treatments or know someone who has. I have felt horrible the last four days. It started with a morning of staying home from work throwing up with agonizing stomach pains. Though maybe it was a stomach bug at the time but became evident it was just my crazy hormone surge because my cycle started the next morning. We completed our first fertility treatment cycle on Dec. 3 and obviously I wasn't pregnant so I wanted to wait and see if my cycle would start on its own. It didn't so I had to take very strong hormones to get it to start because it was already Day 50 (opposed to Day 28 when it should start.) For me it isn't unlikely to have a 70 day cycle-hence the inability to get pregnant spontaneously when I only ovulate every three to four months. Anyway, so I have been bleeding more than I ever have and cramping like crazy. At points it is painful to even stand up. I decided to write this for my fellow "infertility friends." I hope that this blog might help someone going through a similar struggle. I don't think it is easy to understand unless you've been in this battle yourself. Some others have also been interested in what exactly we go through for this process. I can't imagine in-vitro or something more major than just medicine treatments. I get sick enough just on these medications. It is physically and emotionally exhausting. I don't know if it is harder after losing, babies but I do feel more pressure for it to work. I see Josey getting older and want him to have a sibling close in age. Our kids would have been less than three years apart...now who knows. Maybe this month will work since the triplets were due this month. I think that would be kind of nice. As for all who think I am crazy, wish I would stop the medicine, or think "maybe it will happen if you relax" I say it is my choice. My chances of becoming pregnant before were very slim, and now after the trauma to my cervix even less. I need a baby. It is all my heart desires, although it is horrifying at the same time.
The triplets' due date is this Friday and I guess I've been thinking about it a lot. I have started having nightmares again and replaying the events in my mind all day. Hoping that I will have some closure after January 14th. The day I had so very much looked forward to.
Well that's my little pity party for today. Now I think I will try to get out my new sewing machine and figure out how to use it. I went to Hobby Lobby and got some cute fabric to attempt making Josey pajamas. I would love to make things for boys since it is so hard to find cute toddler boy stuff anywhere!

Looking back at 2010 and forward to 2011...

It was very hard to read what I wrote on New Year's Eve last year. I wished for a sibling for Josey, more financial security, and Mike to continue to have fun with his band. Little did I know that we would be desperately close to all those things, but in the end lose them all.
2010 began just fine until May 1st. Mike left for work that morning and returned just a few short minutes later. We never saw a dime of unemployment because they blamed him for getting fired. Don't ask me what circumstances unemployment is for because I don't know. He did nothing wrong, they simply were done having him around and paying his high salary I guess. So there went financial security...and for five long months, no income at all. We found out 5 days after he was fired that we were pregnant. We had been through rounds of fertility and were EXTREMELY excited. Two months later we find out it was TRIPLETS! Another huge excitement, but with worry as well. Then only 3 weeks later, the morning that will haunt us forever. I lost Johnny and then 2 weeks later lost Jaxsen and Asher. I've already written endlessly about the loss but it was the biggest part of our 2010. Looking back it doesn't even seem real most of the time. Seems like it happened to someone else...because things like that WOULD NEVER happen to me. Mike worked random jobs off and on and hunted endlessly for something steady. Finally in September he found a low-paying job, but a job! We are still struggling financially. Maybe struggling is an understatement.
Looking ahead to 2011, I still want the same things as last year. I hope to look back and read this next year as I hold a little baby in my arms. Yes, I do still want that, and no pain, suffering, or sacrifice will change my mind. I am still praying for a classroom job next year, but no matter what, I am doing what God intended me to do. I will continue to teach children and care for them in any position I am placed. I hope that Mike finds true friends to play music with that will stand by him and appreciate the amazing man that he is. Maybe he will find a better paying job, maybe not. I simply wish for his pain to fade. Most importantly I hope that next year finds us stronger than ever in our love for eachother. We have been through more in this one year than all 8 years of our marriage put together. I hope we continue to provide a stable, loving, life for Josey. He is our world, and remains our focus through it all. I wish the best for all our family and friends who carried us this year when we couldn't walk on our own. My personal goal is to mold myself into the old Allison that was not angry, sad, and confused all the time. I struggle daily with wanting the memories to fade, and wanting to never forget the way my sons felt in my arms, or what their beautiful faces looked like. I simply want to be more "normal" again. I will embrace God's plan for my life...whatever that may be.