I hate that I didn't post anything on Jaxsen and Asher's special day but life has been crazy. I spent August 5 sitting in new teacher orientation. My mind drifted to them often that day but I was thankful to be "busy." Their day didn't hit quite as hard as July 20th but it was still my sweet boys' birthday and my heart was broken not to have them with me. To say I miss them just isn't enough. I am able to put one foot in front of the other a little easier, but I have days when it's one step forward and two steps back. I am so sad that I have "empty" arms. When I snuggle Josey sometimes, just for a minute, I can almost imagine holding my three little guys the same way. At first I missed having a baby around and now I think about having three little toddlers that would be walking and all over the place. Jaxsen would have been full of energy. I know this because he danced like crazy everytime we saw him on an ultrasound. He was a fighter. He held on as long as he could, but in the early hours of that morning he surprised every medical person in that room and did something unthinkable. He was so strong and determined.
Asher would have been the quiet and wise littlest brother. One look into his little face and I felt peaceful and calm. I have always felt he just needed his own Mommy time so he stayed with me a little longer. I regret more than anything that he is the only one of my four sons that I don't remember delivering. I have struggled with wondering why my life was the one that had to be saved that day, but that was His plan. Mommy misses her little August babies.
